weird ole' me

Weird phase

2011-11-24T20:56:00.000-08:00

happy turkey day. Not doing well on the healthy eating front. 'Ana is front and center. The dude doesn't know the extent or maybe doesn't want to know. I'm under 120lb which displeases me and triggers me heavily. Also, seeing pictures of people's weddings is a trigger because I still haven't had a formal wedding. Another trigger of late: pregnant ladies. Specifically, recently married (relative to me) ladies who are pregnant. I feel like a failure in so many ways but I know that I shouldn't compare myself. I (We) have talked about goals and such but I fear that we may never be financially able to raise a kid. At the rate things are going, it appears I may have to be the matriarch or head-of-household of my little family. As much as it pains me to say it, it hurts and triggers me to think that I (we) will constantly be on the grind to achieve financial solvency versus my 'vision' of a solid two-income middleclass family. I just have a lot to think about ... Of course, having a lot of heavy issues to think about means a flare up in symptoms. I can feel myself spiralling out of control but for once, I know that getting back into the routine of schooling will help to break me out of my funk. Still don't have a "best friend" despite joining a new group. In fact, there's already "drama" and I'm getting twitchy about being around lots of people.

So, that's where I'm at. Officially in my late twenties, married, broke as a joke and feeling like I'm spinning my wheels. Without divulging too much, I know *logically* that I have been taking steps to remedy the "spinning my wheels" part so I just need to be patient.

It doesn't help that the hubby is just as 'broken' as I am with unresolved issues so as I deal with mine, I have to deal with his issues as well. Here's to hoping two broken people can find healing together.

Today has potential

2011-07-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

Today was a lazy day. I woke up at 3.30pm and got the urge to go biking. Even better, I actually acted on my urge and got OUT of the house! I went easy ( ~ 3.5 miles) and even when I caught myself wanting to expend calories, I reminded myself to take it easy and went home. I showered for the first time in over 8 days and I almost had an orgasm because it felt so fucking good to be clean. Depression fucking sucks.

So far, my food intake has been a Kashi granola bar and oatmeal (with honey + creamer). I overindulge my sweet tooth, but it's one of my guilty pleasures since my hubby has banned me from eating Splenda. I think I'll have to veto him on that because sugar (refined or otherwise) is kinda bad for you.

I'm loving my part time work schedule although I recently requested a schedule change. I'm half hoping they refuse but I'm not too worried.

I'm hoping to go grocery shopping. I'm not mobile so I depend on my hubby giving me a ride to places and even though there is a thriving public transit system, I've been too lazy to really take advantage (but I digress). I'm going to try to start cooking again i.e. getting items for the crockpot and snacks. For some reason, it really triggers me when my hubby challenges my food choices which aren't necessarily fatty foods. Maybe it's the bossy bitch in me (lol) but sometimes I just want him to stand down while *I* shop. :)

Anyway, it's almost 8pm and I'm feeling a little triggered because of my heartburn. Oatmeal does that to me but it's all I've got in the house to eat. If I make it through today, b/p free, it'll be a something worth celebrating and a breath of fresh air. Cheers!

Living to fight another day

2011-07-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

I finally logged into the email addy for this account to find a sweet message from the lovely Zuzka over at http://triathloncyclingparrotsanded.blogspot.com/

How have I been doing? Here's a rough overview:

1) I sorta hated my now-old job and last year was not very productive. I made the decision to return to school last year and boy, did that turn out to be very handy this year. Between the growing toxic passive agressive environment at that job and the fact that it was just a dangerous place to work, I feel I made the right move. I gave them my month's notice and I'm currently working a PT job.

2) I'm returning to school and slightly anxious. I'm a little worried because I fell apart while in grad school. However, this feels different because I'm getting a degree in a subject that I strongly feel I should have started in to begin with. I'm a little worried, but overall, I get giddy when thinking about this new chapter of my life that it's completely worth it.

3) Hubby has me worried a little bit. I'm a bit impatient and he's a laidback guy. So laid back that it worries me. He got an interview for a position & was told that he was the first pick but due to some bad decisions of his, that is in jeopardy. We are on pins & needles to hear from them. I've told him where I stand on his foolish behavior and I've gone from anger to acceptance to telling him that I'll always be there & stand by him. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't get this position and I'll leave it at that.

and now for the big kahuna - ED!

4) This time is a very turbulent period in my life and with hindsight, I can see that my ED has flared up to correlate. My frequency (B&P) is 3X a week and I don't currently exercise. I tried getting myself in healthy shape earlier this year but went about it stupidly & ended up hurting myself. I hadn't exercised in over a year prior to embarking on my fitness routine so it was only to be expected. So, feeling betrayed by my body stung a lot, I've sorta flung my hands in the air and I think I'm kinda depressed about the situation. Now, I'm freaking about my increased frequency and how that'll affect my studies and getting into a cycle of eating to suppress my thoughts & fears.*sigh*

Anyway, I find myself wanting to yell and scream so you guys & this blog is it. Until next time.

great expectations

2010-02-12T12:22:00.000-08:00

The time has come for another status update. :) Getting off Cymbalta was rather rocky. I had mood swings and was incredibly irritable. One week, I had weird body pains and the next, I'd develop flu/cold-like symptoms. BUT to date, I have not noticed any more bad signs. I'm not taking Cymbalta anymore and I'm actually doing much better. What does much better mean?
1) It means I'm eating 'real foods' and not feeling like I'm being bad

That alone is worth a million dollars. I've regained my zest for life (eating more, having more spontaneous adventures, etc) and I recently signed up for a gym! I'm growing out of my 'skinny' jeans and although I was a bit nervous, I'm not very worried about my increased size. More than anything, I want to make sure I don't have any stretch marks from the new *ahem* poundage. :)

I do have a black mark on my record thus far and that is spitting up. I'm getting much better at handling my emotions, but I'm having trouble with certain triggers. Right now, I haven't stuck my fingers down my craw for over 7 days. Out of those seven days, I've spat up meals twice. Those are still pretty damn good stats for someone starting out on this journey. I've learned to move on from those incidents and just keep being positive.

That's my message for this week: keep the faith.

Love,
Jane

Making progress, step by step

2010-01-21T11:12:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I believe I'm making progress in this journey called recovery. A few weeks ago, I quit taking my meds cold-turkey. Now, this is NEVER advised and my circumstances were very unique in the sense that I didn't feel any better while on Cymbalta and I'd experimented with skipping doses here and there. I was on 60mg of Cymbalta and not seeing a therapist. Essentially, I was in the "wheel spinning" phase. I wasn't acting out 5X a day, but that didn't mean I was healthier!

What has changed in the weeks since getting off my meds particularly after I started experiencing some undesirable side effects from being on Cymbalta? Well, I had awful withdrawal symptoms. I am not out of the woods yet as I'm still having symptoms associated with quitting the drug. My poor husband's a little freaked and I am too (I'll admit) because I never quit had any major issues while on the drug, but getting off is a b****.

Well, my episodes are on a downhill trend now. I chew and regurgitate ('spit') about 3X a week now. I'm not proud of that, but I'm working hard to reduce the incidences. But and this is a BIG but: I am no longer scared of foods. Cake, I can have a slice of it. Chili, bring it on. A sub sandwich, I'm there. I'm actually eating 'real' meals and enjoying. The key thing that's holding me together is learning to 'savor' my meals. For crying out loud, I had a pack of Ramen noodles yesterday! This used to be one of my trigger foods and I was able to sit with my feelings and eat this meal. No prodding from the husband, all I heard from my inner child was: "Man, Ramen noodles would taste awesome" and I went for it.

Here's to honoring my inner child's desires more often. I have my zest for life back and I & my husband are happier (at year 3) than we've EVER been. Another reason to get off the eating disorder track: Your energy levels will go through the roof. I'm a bit hyperbolic, but for the first time in a LONG while, I actually have a desire to work out just ... because. Not because I want to get my quota of fat-burning movements in, but because I want to see what working those long stagnant muscles will feel like. It's an amazing feeling and I can't wait to see what the future has in store for me!

Cheers and remain blessed. If you have an questions, shoot me an email at weird[removethis]oleme [at] gmail [dot] com.

Wow

2009-12-22T07:34:00.000-08:00

I stared Peanut butter cookies in the face and went "meh"

As in, I didn't say "fuck it," and start binging on them.

As in, I had a little nibble here and there AND didn't turn that to a binge

How far I've grown

I'm far from 100%

But I'm aiming for the stars

Happy holidays to you all!

A status update

2009-12-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to do things half-assed all the time. :) I'm alive and kicking (knock on wood). I'm back to a healthier weight (currently 120lbs on a 5ft 2in frame). I'm officially of average weight.Part of me's wrestling with the ridiculous feeling of "mediocrity" (don't ask) that comes with that, but a huge part of me is actually fine at that weight. Skinny/sick jeans are no longer fitting and the time is rapidly arriving for me to bid said sick jeans adieu.

I am okay with this.

I am getting better and just as shocked as you might be that shit's coming together for me. I'm getting much better at telling the husband when things are about to take a turn for the worse so that he can help me save me from myself.

I am also shocked (not really) to find that reaching out for help actually helps divert episodes.

I cannot express how relieved that I am figuratively naked and ready to shed this huge weight I've carried around for. so. long. That is not to say I've 100% quit all destructive behaviours. If I had to quantify my frequency (frequency = acting out), I'd have to say I spit up at least 3x a week which is pretty fucking good (relatively speaking).

I hope the cul-de-sac has been good in my absence. This recovering blogger is back on the grind. :P Muah!!

disordered viewpoint of the world

2009-05-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

So, this week has been falling in between restricting and acting out (the bulimic way). Sad. I'm severely dehydrated and not taking my vitamins daily. I look ~ 10lbs less than I am which is rather small because I have the "athletic" look going on despite my lack of exercise. I also have a severely distorted view of how I look versus how I look to others. I look plump to myself, but apparently I'm small. I'm recognizing that I do that now and it scares me. I'm still on my antidepressant, but I am also realizing that this was a stopgap measure to get the husband off my back which is quite sad. I need to recover for me and stop deceiving myself about the efforts I'm making. Right now, I'm writing this because I'm severely triggered. Why? Because I don't have creamer for my morning oatmeal.

Yes, world. A simple thing as not having the right ingredient can send me hurtling down the b/p cycle. I stopped myself temporarily from acting on those base instincts. I'm going to check out the convenience store and see if they'll have some creamer on hand. Talk about paying premium, but for now, I'm accepting that I don't feel safe using either soy milk or 2% milk for my oatmeal. I'm also accepting that skipping my breakfast is a surefire way of making sure I act out TODAY. So, wish me luck, people. *sigh*

And the first battle begins...

2009-05-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

So, it was bound to happen. :) Woke up and had an admittedly skimpy meal of corn on cob and a boiled egg. Took my duloxetine and headed for the workplace. Got anxious over the persistent nausea and wooziness brought about by the duloxetine and ate what was supposed to be my lunch (turkey sandwich with a boiled egg and apple). Enter: Trigger & Panic. In a trance, headed to the shop to get extra 'binge' material (baked Lays chips (~ 260 cals) and peanuts (~ 560 cals) ). This way, I leave myself no choice, but to purge.

Sad, pathetic and most of all true. I realize that I've sorta expected this drug to numb out my instincts to purge, but I should know by now that my urge to act out sometimes trumps my urge to take care of myself. Thusly, I'm starting the hunt for a therapist. I feel badly about acting out so early in the day, but hopefully, I'll end the day on a good note. Wish me luck.

So it is

2009-04-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

Well, after months of being away from the Fellow Fighters blogosphere, it appears everyone's blog is protected or deleted. Ah well, life goes on and I shall rebuild. Today is the 2nd day on my new drug (duloxetine aka Cymb9lt9 ... a not very clever attempt to disguise the common name) and nausea is the biggest side effect for me. I have to grit my teeth to combat the waves of nausea that wash over me. I'm also a little more emotional and that might be because my period is about to make a grand entrance and being a little low on energy. Granted, I haven't eaten much yet, but I ate breakfast (1/2 cup of yogurt with 1/4 of peanuts) before taking my 30mg pill.

I'm a little concerned that this drug makes me a little slow to react, but I'm not sure if I should pulll the plug on it yet. Yesterday was an excellent day in terms of my disordered behaviours. Even though I acted out after lunch yesterday, I got home and took a short nap b/c I was supremely drowsy from the drug. Then, the nausea came back in full force and after eating a bowl of oatmeal, the nausea went away. My husband was away from the house and even though I could have torn up the pantry, I didn't even feel like it. I felt like I was out of my body and mostly felt languorous. However, I'd rather be too tired to tear up the pantry than be fighting with myself about acting out or not.

I realize that I shouldn't rely on the drug to do too much of the heavy lifting because if (when?) the day comes that I fight through my tiredness to act out, I might need more of the meds and thus, develop tolerance. I don't know if that makes any sense, but in any case, I'm very cautious.

I've starting biking again and yesterday being the first day on my new meds, I decided to stay at home. Today, I'm probably going out for a ride again and unlike the last times where I would hit the hills hard for a total of ~ 12 - 15 miles daily, I'll just take things easy and do about ~ 3 - 5 miles.

The getting fit" thing is also because M & I are travelling and possibly doing some hiking, etc. He fears that I'll start cramping after 1 mile because I've been sedentary for 8+ months (seriously). That sounds awful on paper, but I didn't think it was so bad because my job's a bit physical. But obviously, a healthy lifestyle needs some sort of physical activity that is initiated by the person.

Back with a whimper

2009-04-29T16:46:00.000-07:00

It's been over 8 mths since my last post. I quit my therapist although I owe her money for not making our appointment. I dumped my psychiatrist because I wasn't feeling the love. Oh, and I also quit taking my antidepressant, Prozac. In short, I went into fullblown ED experience mode. For awhile, I 'enjoyed' it because I went down to my favorite weight area on my 5ft 1.5in frame. Part of my rebellion was because I noticed that through the years, getting a surge of I-wanna-recovery energy preceded me being at a low weight so I just said "Fuck it" and experienced being at my low weight. The funny thing with that is that I've been hovering around 105 - 110lbs, but with an athletic build so I appear to be under 100lbs.

However, everything "good" must come to an end (Good for the ED anyway). After some health scares (I'm still healthy as a horse) and some nasty fights with my husband brought upon by my ED, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. Not sure if I'm feeling our vibes because my intake appointment with him didn't feel very indepth/personal. However, I like the fact that he is technical and didn't just put me back on Prozac. Today is the first day of my new antidepressant (Duloxetine) and boy, this is going to be an interesting experience judging from my first day.

I took the first pill (30mg) on an empty stomach this morning (a first no-no) and after lunch, I purged my meal. Shortly afterward, I felt seriously nauseated and this feeling is still present. However, as tempted as I am to act out today (with my husband not at home), I don't feel that burning desire to do it. I'm not necessarily too "weak" to do it because I've acted out with a raging fever and a severe headache before. It's probably a combination of feeling nauseous, my menstrual period around the corner and just not feeling particularly hungry due to the drug. I'm astounded that it has this effect on the first day and I'm actually optimistic that medicine might just been the push I need to kick this habit.

For starters and a demonstration of my good "intent" with this stab at recovery, I've resumed:
1) writing in this blog:- Writing is therapeutic for me and I tend to not write when things are going sour. :) Busted! So, I definitely appreciate ladies like Feisty Frida who dropped comments checking in on me, Tash Mia, and others on the ED Fighting/Recovery journey.
2) engaging in physical activity:- I figured I was 'controlling' my weight with my behaviours and didn't 'need' to workout. Now, I'm realizing that a healthy lifestyle needs some sort of physical exercise. Monday was the first day in over 7 months that I've done some exercise unrelated to work. My husband is thrilled over these developments because we were pretty much living like roommates who had nothing in common because all I wanted to do was stay in the house and surf on the internet. He loves the outdoors and I do as well. ED's just been in the way.
3) taking my medicine regularly:- This is a biggie for me because I hate taking pills. However, I realize that I need to give myself a fighting chance if I want to live past 30. I've been pretty much acting out 3x daily for months now and I can tell that my body is gearing itself up for some major rebellion against me. So, since mornings are the 'safest' times for me, I'll pledge to take my pills in the morning with a meal & if I don't have a meal, I'll have a juice or hot chocolate. Knowing myself, the latter will occur so I'll just have to make up for it later in the day.
4) start looking for a therapist:- I left my last therapist because I got scared. She was getting deeper into the core of what was going on with me and I couldn't handle it.
5) getting involved in my community:- I've started volunteering again and this time, I'm going for something that requires me to be committed for a year. I'm not sure what I want to do yet so volunteering will help ease that gap in my heart that just wants to do something, but isn't sure what. :)

So, phew, that was a mouthful.

a little therapy

2008-08-13T17:54:00.001-07:00

I'm all alone. I miss my hubby who's out on a little trip. I'm doing well all by myself and although I've under-eaten a bit today, I'm doing really well i.e not thinking about food. I've got another obsession occupying my mind currently. I have been indulging in a little shopping therapy. M's gonna be maaadd. :) I feel so bad, but yet so good. :) I already paid for my shopping transgressions by taking some money out of my savings. Boo. Back to square one. Hello to returning-unopened-merchandise-to-get-money.lol.

the climax :)

2008-08-12T11:03:00.001-07:00

Aarrghh. M's gone and I'm missing him already. Calm down, J. It's just for a few days. M and I had it out 2 days ago. I was in denial about the severity of my symptoms and the obvious ill health I was suffering as a result. I truly have body dysmorphia. anyway, I have since called my doc and therapist to set up appointments. Let's get this ball rolling. It's hard, but I can do it. I wish you all the best. Stay tuned because I've got a means of continually spouting my mouth off! Thanks to Lady Frank and Tash for reaching out and to those who stand in solidarity with me. I truly thank you.

rather emotional, possibly depressed

2008-08-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hi folks,

I think I am experiencing a resurgence in the phenomenon called depression. As part of its baggage, my bulimia symptoms have flared up again. I can't get the insidious voice that keeps calling me a failure out of my head. I can't see past the shoulds that should have no place in my life or my future. Once again, facebook was the catalyst for this. I should know better. I saw pics of an ex and his fiancee looking so happy and on vacation. I love M, but right now we are too broke to do anything really. I finally indulged in a little frivolity and I already have a huge case of buyer's remorse. It's as if there are two Janes. The sane Jane is outside of her body and watching evil Jane destroy her flesh out of anger. I've lost about 3-4 lbs and I know if I keep this trend up, I'll be back to the 90s. Part of me is thrilled, but it's for all the wrong reasons. If I lose weight, I will not be able to do my job which is rather physical. I've already drawn the attention of my current supervisor who jokingly told me to put some meat on my bones. M's noticing and I'm just a downer overall because restricting and weight loss just makes the depression worse and makes me miserable. I don't like feeling as if I could nap for days because of low blood sugar. How do I combat feelings of being a loser and keep from resorting to starving myself down in order to feel high/good? I'm going to have to call my shrink and therapist to process this. I have a great opportunity in front of me and I don't want to mess this up because this job is one I could possibly hang on to for years! I don't attention for the wrong reasons. I just want to make friends and not be so damn tongue-tied when passing through the lunch room. My inability to reach out or make friends is a big thing for me because right now, I have no friends in my little town. I started volunteering a couple of weeks ago, but I still haven't made an effort to get closer to the other girls I volunteer with. I'm scared they'll think I'm pushy and/or weird. I'm scared they will reject me and not want to hang out. What is the worst that could happen? Why can't I just put myself out there?

I'm really reticent, but warm up once you get to know me. I'm thinking of putting a craigslist ad or something just so I can meet someone in this little town of mine. Will you be my friend? I'm serious. Shoot me an e-mail at weirdoleme a.t. gmail d.o.t. com and I'll be replying you asap. We can be pen friends or heck, if you live in my state, we could meet up! lol. I feel much better posting this. Oddly enough or not. I don't feel too ashamed to say it so there. :) have a great day, people.

Love,
Jane

hanging tree

2008-07-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

You may have guessed it, I fell off the sober bandwagon. I went from having my best ever stretch of 6 non-b/p and healthful eating days to 1x a day to 2x a day (for about 3 days). I'm down to 1X a day now. I realize I'm at the valley stages of recovery i.e. the part where you inevitably relapse. I know that this disease is not going to go without a fight. It is not going to quietly vanish no matter how much I try to will myself to become un-bulimic. What were the main reasons behind my relapse? I shall try to enumerate them here purely for my own mind to come to terms with what has been happening so far and as a means of mentally checking in with myself.

So, I learned I was losing my job over a month ago. Several issues came up with that realization i.e. feelings of being a loser, feeling like I wasn't where I "should" be, feeling hated, et cetera. Stephanie Quilao of "Back in Skinny Jeans" put it best when she talks about her judgmental 19-year-old self berating her 40-year-old self for not being where she "should" be. Those damned "should"s. I felt trapped and tortured with if I would ever find a job. Needless to say, all these feelings became overwhelming and I resorted to my comforting fallback mechanism i.e. "even if I've screwed up in life, at least I can be a size 0 or I can comfort myself in the fact that I'm "skinny"" I would be lying if I said I was out of the valley. As I write, I've just finished shopping at a clothing store where I fit into a size 0 and I kept thinking to myself "those fucking liars, there's no way I'm a size 0", but there it was. Adding exercise to my routine = more muscles = me still acting out = doing double damage where I've got muscle burning up what little I still have.

Now, to take a step back from these un-recovery-like musings, Arielle wrote something that hit very close to home with me. She said: "... It comes down to this. You see the number. You wince. You try to tell yourself it's okay because you're trying to be healthy. But it doesn't feel okay. And you don't feel good about it." That's exactly where I am. The numbers have been inching up since May (over 10 lbs) and for a while, I felt sexy at the 10lb increment mark. However, losing my security blanket (the job), having the job loss bring back the evil "shoulds" and the feelings of loneliness and despair turned my sexiness into anger at myself. I mean, just as I found a great therapist and a great psychiatrist, I lose my job and its great benefits? Damn.

Well, it turns out that God has not totally forgotten about me. :) See, I interviewed for a different position at the same employer and I just learned that I would be getting the job. It is rather different from my former job, but it will be a welcome change. I'll also be making a little bit more than I did at my last job so it will be a welcome addition. I will be learning a lot on the job and I am looking forward to it. I can tell right away that I already have witnessed a change in my demeanor. I acted out today, but replenished and kept nourishing myself throughout the day. I do want to give myself credit for not totally wallowing in the pit of despair. Despite my falls', I kept trying to look for ways to keep myself busy. I started a new volunteer gig which is on Sundays. Today, I left my apartment after my first episode in order to prevent a second one and it worked! I'm hanging out with my husband tomorrow all day and we will be going riding all day on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to the rest of the week and I am willing to give recovery a boost! I am torn between hanging on to the new clothing items I purchased (size 0 and size 1 jeans). I can already tell that it will be a struggle to relinquish the one thing that I have historically held on to (my weight) as my refuge in stormy waters. However, I am ready to have something else be my refuge be it God or simply better coping skills. I suspect a normal weight for me will be around 115 - 120 on my 5ft 2in frame. I don't know. The last time I was 119lbs was during freshman year and I hadn't discovered exercise. In order to not fool myself, I am sure that I will need to sign up to see a nutritionist who will be the final arbiter. I am obviously biased towards remaining the way I am. However, I am willing to relinquish control to get my life back. I need to process this with my therapist. In the meanwhile, I'm just so happy that I'll be able to retain my current therapist/psychiatrist/doctor. God is simply merciful.

Jinxes

2008-06-30T19:34:00.000-07:00

I think I might have jinxed myself. Scratch that. There's no such thing. After having the best streak of no b/p I've had in forever (6 days), I fell on the 7th day. And the 8th day being today. The good news is I was able to curtail those falls to 1X a day. Part of the good news is that my appointment to see the T is tomorrow so I can nip this in the bud and process this to death. :) M's taking this harder than I am and while I understand that this is not a good turn of events, I have to say that it didn't have the reckless abandon of the other B/P episodes. It was like I dissociated and was watching myself act out and then, I was taking notes. For instance, I know precisely what happened and I plan on talking about it to my T in order to find strategies to combat what brought this on. I happened to 'compliment' a girl on having a tiny waist only for her to say I was much much smaller than her. Now, I regard this girl as small so I was upset that she said I was smaller than she was because I could not see what she was talking about. Can anyone say body dysmorphia? or body distortion? I clearly don't see what people see. It's not that I need validation that I'm "small", at least that's what I'm telling myself. I genuinely don't care. What I do care about is being able to assess my body objectively and to be able to see physical self for what it truly is. I'm not making sense. My over-arching point is: I now believe I have some body image issues whether or not I like to admit it or not. I don't think it's the "basis" of the ED.

My job hunt is agonizingly slow. I got dinged from a promising prospect, but never say die. I was pretty bummed about it, but I'm still alive and kicking. I've put on the gloves and I'm optimistic. I just hope to God that my reference from my soon-to-be ex-job is not screwing me over. I'm tempted to conduct a sting operation i.e. call the reference pretending to be a prospective employer. It should be interesting to hear the response. I'm still biking and keeping in shape that way. I'm up one more pound this week so that's 'fun'. lol. I'm still squeezing into the old 1's, but once some spare change comes my way, I am definitely upgrading to a bigger pair of pants. The old 1s are really embarrassingly tight. I've literally got just 2 pair of wearable jeans (4 and 1) and I've been rotating them i.e. 1 one week and 4 the next. Anyhoo, I'm looking forward to my next adventure.

A milestone for me!

2008-06-28T03:41:00.001-07:00

Guess what folks? I made it through Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday without a single b/p episode!!! *dances around in mad glee* This was unprecedented really. I guess I was just ready mentally to not act out. I didn't over-exercise. In fact, my intake was similar to last week's. I think what happened was that I learned to trust my body that my current intake is not that of a sumo wrestler and that thusly I won't gain 100lbs all at once. I still understand a little weight gain would be in order, but it is not going to happen all at once which is what I was scared of. What makes this event all the more amazing for me is that despite the fact that I got some soul-crushing news during the week, I made it through without acting out or turning to food or over-exercising. I experienced my emotions of fear and despair. I would have cried on the bus home if I needed to because I was not going to stuff those feelings down with food. I distinctly remember telling myself right from the get-go (after I got rejected from a job interview I'd felt pretty good about) that binging/purging was NOT an option. I reminded myself how things had gotten so screwy because of my ED and that I was only going to be repeating the evil cycle over if I let myself "indulge" in the temporarily soothing, but ultimately destructive habits I've had for so long. I also met with my new therapist who I think I'll get along with. So I had a pretty intense week, but I didn't turn to my old coping skills. Score several for Jane!!!! :D

I am learning to not be so black/white anymore. Case in point: I had had what I thought was my final meal for the day yesterday. Then, I got an invitation to hang out and with it, the possibility of eating more food. Guess what I chose? Hanging out despite that "risk". The old me would have balked at meeting company, but I knew that the best thing for me (given my somewhat despondent state) was happy company and boy, was I glad I went! I had a big bowl of homecooked vegetable soup with some fruit. It felt really good and nourishing. I did get a little piqued when I kept getting comments about my darn weight i.e. saying the pet dog possibly weighed more than I did. When they would say that, it didn't feel good like it used to. I don't feel that need for "attention" to be drawn to me because I'm so "tiny". I don't want to be reminded of it anymore because part of me goes "O r ly? You should have seen me 2 months back then!" BUT I handled it well. I got to divulge my weight (110lbs which is probably more like 107lbs and at this, I got disbelieving stares. I explained it was all muscle and that sat well) and jean size (a really tight size 1 pair of jeans I had on which I need to ditch if only they weren't so darn sexy on me. :D). Not so fun, but I did it.

I am still in shock because I don't know how it happened that I didn't even binge all week. It felt natural to just eat and it got easier to suppress the urges to purge. The bruises on my knuckles are fading and I'd like to grow some nails which I never had because I didn't want to puncture my throat while purging. I don't have the weird tingly feelings I used to have because of messed up potassium levels. I can exert myself without fear of a heart attack. I can hang out without ruining the experience by wondering how quickly I can extricate myself in order to purge. It feels really good and I'm optimistic about my future. I'll be out a job in less than 2 weeks and it's a bit scary, but I have a game plan for combating the rock of fear that rises in my throat when I think about this. I'll write out my options for a job. I don't want to leave my current place of domicile, but leaving may be in the cards as a last resort. I'll be sure to beat down doors to explore all avenues because going out of state or out of this city.

Here's to more successful week(end)s!

Passing the litmus test, part 1

2008-06-24T05:07:00.000-07:00

I once read on a blog that passing the pizza test was one of the ways to tell disordered eating. Simply, can you eat a pizza without guilt? Well, last night, I ate a slice of pizza with some guilt, but I was able to get the hell on (to quote Carrie from ED Bites) with my day (or night in this case). For the first time, I found myself not obsessing over my food intake because I knew that I wasn't overeating. I was eating healthfully and I was able to ride hard on my bike. I think it's absolutely fair to say that I'm actually consuming around 1,700 calories daily. On some days, I've consumed at least 2,000 calories. I don't count obsessively but I know the general vicinity of the calorie value of foods I'm eating. Here's a breakdown of a typical 1,700 (or 2,000) calorie day:

Breakfast:

1/2 cup of oatmeal plus extra
creamer
apple

Snack
Hot chocolate
and/or Lays Chips
and/or animal crackers

Lunch:
Salad with 2 packs of fat free italian
Lays Chips
Yogurt cup

Snack:
Saltine crackers
and/or hot chocolate

Pre-ride meal:
Oatmeals
Nutes

Post-ride meal:
2 eggs
Bagel with whipped cream cheese

Snack:
Crackers
and/or pretzels

It's a lot and I've got the increased weight to show for it. However, because I've added physical activity to my routine, I've gotten some new muscles to show for the added weight. I do need to quit wearing my old size 1s because as expected, they are getting quite snug. At times, the snugness works in my favor i.e. I feel sexy, etc. At times, it serves as a trigger which thankfully hasn't led to anything bad yet. Still, I don't want to bait the bear. My wants me to be at 120. I've been there and I don't recall what I looked like, but I'll just let the chips fall as they may. I'll do the 'right' things i.e. eat healthy and exercise moderately. The rest is my body doing its thing like right now, my boobies are perkiest twins this side of town! :) Those poor things were sagging when I was ~ 95lbs so the 13 or so lbs I've added are going a long way to remedy that. I've got my bootay back so I can handle my business. So this recovery thing is not as awful as it felt for the first few days. My week already started out with a bang i.e. eating right and no ED sneakiness plus endorphins from exercise. I'm looking forward to having a clean rap sheet this week. That'll be my challenge for myself. M's got some long rides planned for both of us so I'm excited about that. Take care, ya'll and be safe.

a crazy phenomenon

2008-06-22T04:30:00.001-07:00

So, I've been biking frequently. As expected, I've toned up a little bit. What I didn't expect was for my metabolism to (seemingly) shoot through the roof. I wake up hungry despite my best efforts at eating something right before I go to bed. I have to eat something every 3 - 4 hrs or else I get that gnawing feeling. Needless to say, I'm worried, but I'm trying to trust that my body knows what it's doing. I have to say that I've been doing a pretty good job of not freaking out and attempting to 'wish' the hunger away. It's not perfect and I am sure that my 'diet' needs tweaking in order for me to get proper nutrition because of my increased physical activity. I am currently not seeing a therapist, but I've got a shrink who's awesome, but sadly not in my network. Still, he's aware that I am losing my job and will alter his fees for me. Yeah! I'm on Prozac and while it's too early to see the effect (or so they say), since I began taking it, I've found myself getting stronger mentally. I am proud to say that my frequency has dropped to less than 5 times a week. I'll take any b/p free day that I can because it's a huge struggle for me. My secret weapon is biking which has the immediate effect of removing me from the trigger and forcing my mind to focus on conquering the trail. Furthermore, I have devised a route that tires me so that when I get back home, I have no choice but to eat. Odd, but my strategy has worked thus far.

My strategy for getting through today will be:
1) Talk to M
2) Not get mad when he offers suggestions
3) Blog about my thoughts and fears
4) Write them down on paper
5) Creating a game plan for myself to cope with my impending job loss
6) Explore career alternatives if my job hunt does not go as I would like
7) Go to the library and read novels to my heart's content. :D
8) Visit the dollar theatre and have a movie marathon
9) Cleaning out our apartment.
10) Making some delicious food for M when he wakes up
11) Tell M how much I love and appreciate him
12) Call my parents and shoot the breeze
13) Visit with M's expecting sister and her husband
14) Play with their dogs

Wow. That's a lot. I didn't think I'd be able to come up with a viable list! Thanks, EJ for inspiring this list. :)

a lesson in trust

2008-06-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

I did something I hadn't done in close to 6 weeks: I weighed myself. What makes this worse is I did this after "acting out". I'm sad that it happened, but I'm trying to process my feelings before the incident to understand how I could have prevented this. You see, earlier in the day, I had already chalked up a victory against my urges. However, I let my feelings of anger towards M simmer and I took things out on myself. I've been suffering from a severe case of the morning munchies and feeling hypoglycemic despite constantly having snacks. So, I developed some paranoia. Out of curiosity, I weighed myself to see how much "damage" recovery had done to me. Odd choice of words, isn't it? Well, I was 105lbs on my 5ft 1.5in frame. That's approximately a 10lb increase since May. I am proud of every last pound although sometimes to hear M talk, you'd think I was a 69lb anorexic. I don't want to be a 69lb anorexic, but I confess to getting mad sometimes and wanting to give him something to truly worry about i.e. lose weight. However, this is a battle for my life. This disease has interfered with everything from love to school to work. I want my life back and when I die, it will not be because of this disease.

the power of fighting back

2008-06-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times you fall, it will all be for naught if you stop fighting (back). I am proud to say I am a true believer in that statement. You see, since I got the news of my getting laid off, I got off track for the 2 days following that announcement. However, this week is shaping up to be one of the more positive ones I have had in a very long while. For the first time in a really really long while, my weekend wasn't spent puking my guts out. I was alone (a biggie and usually a harbinger of an episode), but I didn't do anything. In fact, when I recognized the warning signs i.e. snacking because I didn't want to eat a real meal, I decided to go ahead and eat the meal. Then, I went out for an easy bike ride. I think I may have discovered a secret weapon against ED: physical activity. Not over-exercise as in exercise bulimia, but exercise as a means of tiring my brain out and putting the nervous energy to work. Yesterday, I got the warning signs again and I told M that I was feeling nervous. He understands what I mean when I say that so the first thing he suggested was let's go for a ride. Of course, Mia fought back by wanting to brush off my anxiety as nothing big, however that's the first step towards binging and purging: getting anxious and snacking while anxious. However, I don't know how I did, but I reached inside me and grabbed that will to fight. I took M up on his offer of a bike ride and sure enough when we were done, I was able to relax and nourish myself some more when I got ravenous as the night wore on. It's been a blessing to go on this journey and what hasn't killed me will make me stronger. To be perfectly honest, I still have a weird body image i.e. M keeps saying I'm skinny when I have clearly gained weight which, in his opinion, is mostly muscle. I always retort to him that it's "fat" and I need to work on accepting his often-on-point observations. I still haven't weighed myself since May and I don't want to because I don't to get fixated on the number. I am currently sporting my old size 4 jeans which, depending on the weather, fit semi-snugly or loose. I am fine with that size. Hell, at the rate I'm eating and exercising, I'll be well on my way to surpassing that size although the quality of my exercise has been such that it'll be mostly muscle weight. I love being toned and frankly, loving my re-emerging booty. I missed that most of all. I missed my robust boobs which are regaining their jaunt and perkiness. lol. My face has a glow and I'm slowly becoming less anti-social. I think I'm making moves in the right direction. I just need to keep paddling and not stand still or else I'll be caught in the onslaught. I recently had an interview with a big company and I am thisclose to getting the job. I got along fabulously with my to-be co-workers so I am really hoping they make the right decision for me and them. :) Which is to hire me. I'll have to haul ass at this job and right now I am doing extra recovery duty so that it doesn't affect my new job. I'm already talking about the position as if I have it. lol. The power of positive thinking. I want this job and I worked hard to get that interview at this selective company. I am qualified and I believe that I will get the position. I won't be devastated if I don't, but I am hopeful.

Baby victories!!

2008-06-14T04:05:00.001-07:00

Man, I was so sure I would slip up yesterday. Guess what? I didn't. I was tempted but managed to quell the urges by simply focusing and doing my research on the company. Turns out I over-prepared and it was more a phone call to let me know what I was letting myself in for. So sometime soon, I shall be facing a panel of 4 or 5 super-smart people and be grilled about my smarts. I'm scared that I'll be "exposed" as a fraud. I'll be doing a lot of studying as next week rolls around. Anyway, after the interview was over, my nervous energy (due to my phone interview) threatened to overwhelm me into binging and purging. That's how I usually handle good news and bad news. Weird, I know. Anyhow, I took my bicycle out and expended energy on the road. It was a smart move because when I came back, I was able to relax and even eat a meal I had prepared with my own hands. I am super-proud of myself for my handling of yesterday's events. M's even more excited and I'm beginning to get glimmers of what it may feel like to not be so obsessive and driven to constantly punish myself.

My soon-to-be ex-boss (and immediate overseer to be exact) did a bit of a number of me. S/he was fond of innuendo and insinuating that we (employees) were dumb. Not very nice way of boosting our morale there. S/he had an opinion, often unfavorable, on things like marrying early and frequently termed those of us that married early as "stupid" and doing this within earshot of me!! I've often told M that S/he has a superiority complex stemming from some inferiority within S/he. I'm glad to be out of there and I hope I get a new job soon so that I can forget S/he.

I need to practice Lamaze or something. :)

2008-06-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

Big and awesome new, y'all: I am being "laid off" from my job. That's the official story from the powers that be and that's my story too. Underneath, ED's driving me to think they hated me so much etc. Which may very well be because if I didn't get laid off or fired, I would have quit the job. So it worked out for the very best. Things were getting so tense that I felt that I couldn't even talk to my immediate supervisor without getting yelled at. It was not a healthy environment anymore and I'm glad to be out. The boss offered (not immediate supervisor) to be a reference and guaranteed that he would write good letters of reference so *crossing fingers and toes* Right now, I've got a phone interview coming up and I'm nervous. I was so excited when I got it that I leapt at the suggested time slot. I'm thinking it wasn't a smart idea, but I'll make lemonade from my lemons! It's a small pharma company which will be super!

On the ED recovery front, I messed up, you guessed it, on the day I received the news and the day after. I'm glad to say I'm bouncing back and on track for today i.e. I've had my meals, snacks and even a treat (peanut butter + a slice of bread!). Of course, I have had thoughts of acting out to relieve the stress, but I know that this is one habit that I will need to break out of. I also had a 'fat' moment where I discovered my stretch marks were popping out. I didn't think that was possible. I've had stretch marks since I was a teen and I wasn't overweight as a kid. I am guessing I didn't use body cream/lotion too much. *sigh* Needless to say, M's banning me from the body talk and I like that he's being super proactive about things. He's been a big help and sometimes a pain in the patootie. If anyone knows of any creams to 'reduce' stretch marks, please holler. lol.

I haven't weighed myself since May and I'm happy because I don't want to. I know that I have gained muscle so I know that the number will be inflated for that reason. Everytime M sees me naked, he can't believe my thighs. lol. I don't know what he's seeing different, but it's the same thigh to me. I just worry that I'm "deceiving" myself by acknowledging that I'm gaining muscle not fat. Hell, even if it's fat, it's not a death sentence. I'm still cautious about what I'm eating, but I'm clearly taking risks i.e. peanut butter + bread. Hell, earlier in the week, I substituted baked lay original with baked lays cheddar!! It's a whopping 20 calories more, but it has been a trigger in the past for me. So it was a biggie for me to walk into the store, see that my regular Baked Lays originals were out of stock and get the next best thing which I knew would be tasty and thus wanted in spite of the 20 calorie increase. lol. The things ED'd people quibble over. :) Have a great Friday!!

on my meds!!

2008-06-06T18:18:00.001-07:00

Well, I finally filled my prescription for the good ole' Prozac! It's day 2 and clearly too early to tell if it's having an effect. I still haven't placed the call to the recommended therapist. It doesn't help that I'm really broke right now and that my first visit to the shrink will cost me over $100. My other visit to a therapist cost me $300 and I found out that I wasn't supposed to pay that much. So right now I am going to have to be the "bad guy" and tell them to pay me the difference. I hate being in such a position. That's not all the bad news. See, I'm positively sick of a certain overseer who actually made me cry this week. I am actively seeking greener pastures and I cannot wait to leave this environment which has become incredibly tense due to certain overseer's passive aggressiveness. It's ridiculous and I'm trying to handle this maturely and it's hard because my tendency is to cut people off once a line has been crossed. Certain overseer has crossed this line and I cannot cut him/her off because he/she is my boss. I'm feeling trapped and I don't like this one bit. Job hunting sucks because you've got to write those blasted cover letters. I need a cover letter template a.s.a.p. lol. Email me at weird oleme at gmail dot com.

The good news: I've been getting more physical activity. Accordingly, I've been upping my calorie intake. Right now, I'd say I take in at least 1500 calories daily. It scares me to put a number to it because it feels like a lot, but I know that it feels right to my body when I eat that much with some wiggle room for 200 - 300 more calories. I've been doing biking at least 3 times a week (~ 4 miles each time with 1 big ride per week) and while I don't feel as fatigued as I would if I did some hard core weight lifting, I know I'm doing some quality exercise. I just hate feeling like I'm deceiving myself about the exercise I'm doing.

M's been really good about listening more. He's got this uncanny knack for knowing precisely when I act out. I shit you not. He literally feels ill and gets stomach pains when I'm acting out at home/work. I can't hide from him anymore because his physical symptoms already tell him the story. It's crazy, but true. I'm still at 1X a day and that's just as bad as when I was at 3X or more a day because with my physical activity, it has the effect of weight loss when I act out on top of being physically active. Now, I'm obviously aware that there is huge potential for abusing my new found sport and using it for bad purposes, but I can admit to myself that if anything, I am remorseful when I act out after having had a good breakfast/lunch and endeavor to replenish my body's depleted stores. I'm trying to overcome my reluctance to talk about it with M and I am gradually becoming more open to him. The bad thing about acting out (which is in TMI category) is I get gas. I kid you not. And it lasts for about 2 days. It sucks and definitely an incentive to not binge and purge. lol.

freaking out

2008-06-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, things have been so-and-so, but I've been keeping the episodes to 1X a day. Something pertaining to my livelihood is really stressing me out. Certain overseer is constantly belittling in his/her actions and I can't take it anymore. I am actively seeking greener pastures and I cannot wait to exit said environment. I love what I do, but each day, I go in with my heart in my mouth. My heart pounds when I see certain overseer and it's just become a really toxic place right now. I don't know how to make it right. I was performing a duty and 2X, I've gotten feedback on how lousy the job I'm doing it. Well, I would take this easier if it was not accompanied by eye-rolling and insults. Not to mention a blatant unwillingness to answer questions even though he/she purports to welcome said questions. It's rather annoying and I hope to God that I can extricate myself from this mess without shooting myself in the foot. It's rather frustrating and sorely triggering. I actually have managed to do without acting out during the day and staying un-famished i.e. having snacks (100-calorie popcorn and/or an apple and/or a banana) in between meals. It keeps me focused at work, but on getting home, the demons I've managed to suppress during the day rear their ugly heads.

It probably doesn't help that I haven't filled my prescription for a certain drug I was prescribed. My unconscious reluctance plus M's unwillingness to see me on meds are certainly big factors in "forgetting" to fill out this prescription. I have to put my foot down.

On forgiving

2008-05-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

we fall down and we get up. This is hard. Like what-the-fuck-was-I-thinking-when-I-developed-bulimia hard. I know that the Jane of those days was so primed for this disease that I'm not sure It could have been prevented, but I am sure that with the right help then, I could have licked it. Instead, I suffered in private and bore my wounds. Now, I'm a 23yr old woman with a messed up view about her body, her expectations of life, her expectations of others etc. However, as much as I want to whip myself so much, I acknowledge that there is something worth redeeming in me. First, I would like to give myself some virtual shakes:
1) Yes, the woman gave birth over 6 mths ago that looks like she's dropped 40-some pounds is none of your business. I repeat, you are NOT to continue comparing yourself to her. You are NOT to compare yourself because it is not a goddamned competition. For the past week or so, you have been feeling "fat". Why? You have been eating like a normal person would. That's a shocker, ain't it! You need to realize that your body is not acting right as you should have suspected due to the years of abuse, okay? You really need to NOT panic because you will derail your efforts at recovery if you do. How have you started panicking already? You've actually started up the passive purging thing and have actually started convincing yourself that it's not purging. Okay, let's put the goddamned breaks on that downhill road, okay? Yes, you have gained weight. No, I will not let you weigh yourself to see how much you have gained. Remember, Jane, you COMMITTED to this. Didn't you like being lucid for once? I mean, come the fuck on!!! For here on, you will agree to the following:
- You understand that weight gain will occur.
- You understand that you need to add physical activity in your life to be a wholesome being.
- You understand that the longer you keep purging, the longer it takes for your body to start getting better.
- You understand that despite the fact that you think you are thinking straight after purging, you are NOT. In fact, it has been proven that you see AND hear things when running on empty.
- You understand that there is a difference between eating right and bingeing. You are to understand that difference and not swing from bulimia to BED.
- You are to start coming to terms with the idea that purging should not be an option anymore.
- You understand that there will be days when you slip up. You are to sit your cute arse down and blog/journal your feelings out!

*Breathe* Can you tell I'm frustrated? I was doing well. Actually, I think I really wasn't, but I went from purging 21 times or more per week to just 7 last week. This week, my frequency increased and with it, the will to fight this monster. With it, came the lying side of Jane and all that makes me a mess at work. I don't want to do this dance anymore. I have to get better for me!

boy oh boy

2008-05-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

No body said it was easy. Everyone also said it would be so hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard. It's hitting home that I cannot just quit my disordered thoughts, disordered eating and disorders behaviours cold turkey. Unless I experience a burning bush episode, cold turkey doesn't seem likely. However, what has been cold turkey is the desecration of the powder rooms at a certain place. Since the week began, my score card has been 4 episodes daily. This is a really high number, but I am putting things into perspective: I've been acting out over 3 times daily for over 6 months. My bulimia's been with me for over 4 years. In fact, I had been on my worst 'weight loss' stretch and it was showing although I wasn't seeing it. So, this is a drastic reduction and I've been eating 3 meals daily also. I actually let M make me a meal and we ate together and processed my obsessive thoughts together. Since my anniversary (my flipping God, it's been over a year since I got married to M!!! lol. I AM old), I've been biking and gradually incorporating physical activity into my life. Since bulimia became my all-in-all, I gradually stopped being active. Well, that's changing since I know that (1)bulimia, although it wasn't about the weight, is not a weight maintenance or weight loss tool. Physical activity can do that. (2)I need to lead a wholesome life and that means I need physical activity in my life. (3) the notion of safe foods has to be trod lightly. I need to eat wholesomely (can you tell I like that word? lol.) and that means cooking like people would do in real life. Hell, I can cook, okay? I can cook healthy also although I may need to do the measuring thing, but I don't eat white rice/noodles anymore. Meat is really not a big ingredient, but I will need to expand my eating dictionary. I'm rambling. I have to go to work. Ciao.

a trifle irked

2008-05-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

I apparently have a lot of cleaning up to do in my blogroll. I can respect the need for privacy so I will be removing "dead" links i.e. links I don't have subscriptions to (so to speak). In other news, M read a powerful piece from Eckhart Tolle's book to me (The Power of Now). I can totally associate bulimia with the pain-body he talks of. I just wish I didn't hide behind the haze of food shortly after he read that passage to me. Nevertheless, I went out for a short ride and I feel refreshed. I'm currently hungry so I'm making myself an egg sandwich. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that this recovery business is really doing a number on my mind. First of all, I've been on my period since Sunday. So, (1) I'm bloated (2) I've been keeping more food down i.e. from having 3 or more episodes per day, I've gone down to 1 episode per day since Saturday. (3) Thusly, my size 1 jeans feel rather snug and I am definitely going to need an upgrade. Thankfully, some part of me knew that recovery had to be on my horizon so I have an assortment of 'normal'-ish jeans around i.e. ~ size 4, 7 even 12. Now, 12 would not be good for my frame and I only got those size 12s when I dabbled into the binge eating side of things because I was horrified that I had picked up the purging habit. Anyhow, I'm trying to talk to the side of me that wants to get better. Before I got sick, I was around ~ 115 - 123 at any point in time so I think that's a good place to be. However, it would be foolish to be very rigid in anything I do at this point. It has taken me over 4 years to screw my body over. It will rebel and scream at me for turning its world upside down again. It will be up to me to trust my body again and help it in the process of becoming normal once again.

Here's to my body: I love you and I hope you know that. To prove that, I'm going to rip those size 1s you love so much and put on the size 4s. Those XS shirts that you stacked up on, they are not going to be seeing the light of day because those fit a disordered Jane.

and another one.

2008-05-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well, more office woes. It's official: bulimia is fucking with my work. I am apparently hallucinating and not putting things where I think I put them. It's like I don't know who I am anymore. My boss chewed me out and I felt horrible because I apparently still think Bulimia and I can co-exist in harmony. What I need to realize is that it's either bulimia or I. I can't survive while Bulimia thrives. Friday afternoon was one of the first days I'd only acted out once during the day. Saturday, my score card was also just once. I'm hopeful that Sunday will be a day of mindful eating as well as being proactive about searching for a shrink that can see me in the next week instead of oh say, the next month. Sheesh. I guess our society needs tons of shrinks. I've been eating considerably more than normal and I am refraining from weighing myself. I am also taking up the sport of biking which has been hard considering that my skills are rusty. M and I are having more frank talks about this and I already notice that I am more willing to hear his criticisms rather than shout him down or give him the silent treatment. I want to be free of this badly and I know that this will be hard. I am not kidding myself. Hell, just a few minutes ago, I was contemplating having or not having breakfast. Normal people can get away with skipping meals. I can't because I am essentially setting myself up for a binge or providing myself with an excuse to be bad. So I made the decision to eat something for breakfast. Not the most filling option, but I didn't starve myself. However, I need to be realistic and recognize that under-eating is just as bad as starving because I am not eating to satiety and that is a signal that can trip me up.*sigh* There are many pit-falls to watch out for in this recovery business, but I am in a struggle for survival. Literally. Until I am actively working on my recovery, I cannot: succeed at work, succeed in school, succeed in being the partner I can be to M, succeed in being the best daughter/relative I can be, etc. So I am committed at this point. It's going to be hard, but I will try.

shit hit the fan

2008-04-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

I'm slipping up apparently. On the job nonetheless. The female boss has duly noted my apparent weight loss and made me fess up. So e'en though I've been told my job's not in 'jeopardy', I'm scared shit-less. I don't think I'll mind being fired as long as they'll write a good recommendation. J/k. I'll die if I get fired especially as it'll reinforce the whole I'm-a-loser attitude I secretly harbor even though I talk at interviews like I know what I'm talking about. I've got this whole I'm-a-fraud-and-will-get-caught thing going on. Is it true? I don't know. I'm too brutal for my own good. Maybe telling myself a white lie like I am really not a loser will do me some good. Anyhow, I'm doing the treatment song-and-dance routine again. I hate to get my hopes up about this treatment, but I need to get better. That's the problem. I need to get better for the job and maybe soon, it'll turn to "I want to get better". Because I have to want it in order for it to truly stay. I'm about 96lbs now and still pissed at myself for God knows what. I got signed up for an intake and assessment that has set me back ~ $300. That's making me really angry, but then I've easily spent that and more in binge food that M doesn't even know about. You see, I've been trying to save money and I've been doing a bit well in that respect. So I'm seeing this at a set back, but I have to understand that I need to do this because my job's at stake. If I don't get this under control, I will fuck myself up for good. I'll lose health insurance and a whole host of other evils. I don't want to drive myself nuts thinking about all the bad things that could happen because of losing my job. So hopefully this will provide enough impetus to call it quits. I just need to get M on board i.e. help him know what I need him to do in order for this to work.

I don't know how I feel about the person (she) who will most likely be my T. I know I will be considered a "serious" case i.e. will need some intensive treatment, but I really want them to acknowledge that I need my job to pay them so they should really try to work with me on that. M came with me to the assessment and it was good to tell the truth to the lady with him there i.e. yes, I've been b/p over 3X daily for over 6 months now. Sometimes I get mad at M for his seeming cluelessness about it all. I know he means well and I understand that my disorder loves diversion i.e. get mad at the wrong things in order to deflect attention to the real problem. I mean, he'll listen and watch me salivate to the fattiest food options I can get for cheap and it makes me wonder if he doesn't even suspect that I'm gearing up for a binge. I mean, how can he when I lie so smoothly? I never want to talk about it and I fly into these awful rages at him when he does decide to push the issue. I'm a freaking mess. I want to change, but I'm so scared.

For instance, I was going to get lunch today and was this close to binging. Then, in a blink of an eye, I got a safe item i.e. tossed salad with 2 packs of fat-free dressing and chips (99 cent Baked Lays). I know that's still restrictive, but for the past 3 mths I'd say, I've been doing the all-or-nothing thing i.e. nothing's been staying in. Even these Baked Lays that I loved so much started triggering me! Back to my story, so I had the salad and chips for lunch. It sat well up until the point when I started burping the food back up and I heard the sibilant hiss of ED's voice talking about how innocent it would be to spit it back up. Of course, innocence turned into deliberate passive purging and that really nice lunch came back up. Dinner time, I fucked up too. I mean, all these past safe foods trigger me now and that scares the shit out of me. I hope I have it in me to do this because I might be dead in a couple of months if I keep this rate of acting out up. That was a lot to write about. I've got a lot going on and I really need to think.

stop punishing me!

2008-03-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

I'll be turning a year older in a few and I'm going to be working! Unbelievable. I hate my boss (well, one of them), but we'll smile like we are cool. I hate you. This person is an evil taskmaster and I wish I could be stronger than this so I could smile and let the hatred trickle off my back. *sigh* Life's going, I guess. I've been toying with things to do with my life and shockingly a thought crept in that I thought would never come back... you know ... the one that tells you that you are a wash-out and thus should give up on everything including life. But didn't act on it obviously. :) I've been sabotaging my Ed if that makes sense because I snack at nights thus I'm right around 100. I'm pretty much plateau-ing. and pretty triggered right now because a co-worker was telling me a story and described one of the characters as noticeably smaller than I. In my mind, I went "damn, am I that big?" the bitch in me went "what is she? 80lbs?" The implication behind all these thoughts was that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't the "thinnest" around, etc. What in fuck's name am I trying to prove? There is no point to this post. I'm also moving so there's a lot on my damn plate right now. *sigh*

waking up

2008-03-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

for some reason, the song "Wake me up when september ends" keeps playing in my head. I feel like sleeping until this ED goes away. Talk about avoidance. We're moving places and I'm thrilled. Work's fine, but I am realizing that I may be thoroughly underpaid. Still, it seems my game plan will be to stick it out for a year and hope for a decent raise beyond the standard measly 3% raise. For cripes sake, I'm a few dollars away from being the lowliest paid employee! It doesn't help that I've recently discovered that an equally qualified co-worker's earning quite a bit more than I am. It's stuck in my gut ever since, but I'm still here and learning to live with the hand I've drawn.
Sometimes, I get glimpses of how my life could be different if I didn't have to lug my eating disorder around. Every decision I make has to be tabled before the altar of Her Unroyal Highness which more often than not means if it entails having fun and being normal, it gets nixed. It makes for a pretty dreary life all told. I'm down to ~ 97 and it seems as though my self-loathing is through the roof. I'm interestingly not depressed yet although I may need to chill from Facebook again. Thankfully, parties and grinding on fells that aren't M don't interest me. I can't for the life of me get into that dance style. I digress. :P My point is: my life is getting flushed away.

Aaaarggggghhhhh!!!

2008-02-27T17:57:00.001-08:00

*breathe*

*majorly triggering*

I'm starving. Sometimes, I have visions of checking into a hospital and the very first words out of my mouth are: I've been so hungry. Literally and figuratively. Poor M's been unconsciously subjected to my eating/feeding habits and has been waking up early in the morning with hunger pains! I was absolutely horrified. He's well adjusted and sometimes, I worry that I might "infect" him if that's possible. I don't even want to think about it. Contrary to what I've been telling him, I haven't eaten 3 full meals since my ED visit. I've have been actively i.e. using fingers et al purging and not just passively purging i.e. causing myself to burp and thusly bring back food which I then spit out.

I find myself getting more ashamed and disgusted at my body even though I am in the double digits. Actually, I don't know what the hell I weigh. I'm teetering and I keep wondering hmm, can I get lower? Like a game or something. I don't like M seeing me in a state of undress because it's like he'll catch on and I realize that i'm reaching a whole 'nother level (in a bad way) now that my thinking has gone to that extreme. I'm glad this week is NEDAW. I feel like outing myself just so I can breathe and stop pretending. I just want to yell I'm not okay. I don't want you to make comments about how you used to be my size (0 or 1) because it makes me feel worse i.e. you're preggers and are about a freaking size 2!!! Grrrh. I am not a happy camper these days.

teetering

2008-02-13T08:24:00.001-08:00

I read with sadness the passing of Polly. I wish I knew what her thoughts were via her blog, but I'm really, I don't know, nervous about reaching out and asking to read someone's blog. It's part foolish pride, and part not-wanting-to-intrude and a big part laziness in keeping track of all the blogs related to fighting EDs that have made it friends/members/email only. It's fair. Nevertheless, I hope she's free meeting St. Peter now and talking about the battle she fought on earth.

In other news, I'm obviously not doing well. I read PTC's blog and evne though I cringe to say it, a lot of her thought patterns are what have been going through my mind. How when M says I'm leaner (even though he thinks he's saying it to make me shocked or realize that I'm gorgeous), I think I could be leaner, I could be smaller, my ribs can protrude more, etc. It's a vicious cycle. It's ridiculous, the depths that I've sunk to. Anyone with Bulimia knows the indignity you face daily i.e. throwing up in virtually unknown places, toilets that you have no idea of what/who's been there, etc. The desperation that follows eating anything that even makes your stomach protrude. I'm getting careless. I don't want to end up with some sort of incurable infection from my habits and live forever with that fact. I already have had a taste of that via my ER visit, but I still haven't learned my lesson. I'm tired and I feel like this is going to come to a head. It's like I'm daring my body to try something with me and almost as though I know that it won't do anything and that weirdly frustrates me. I think I'm looking for a physical reason to stop and I need to not do that because all the reasons I need to stop are staring me in the face every morning. My back that hurts from being painfull fat-bereft. My heart's beat that quickens when I run a little too hard. My all-or-nothing mentality that drives me to purge a 300-calorie meal. I can't take it anymore!! It's ridiculous. *breathe* Well, I'm done with my rant. I can go back to doing my business now. :) Love y'all and I'm subscribed to a bunch of ED-fighting blogs thanks to the free FeedDemon! Go get that program now. I got it when it was paid and what do they do? turn around and make it free. Well, go on and have a blessed day.

grrrh

2008-02-12T10:23:00.001-08:00

my boss is coming back after a too short trip. I hate or dislike her attitude a lot. I may be moving with m and I am gloriously happy yet wary. wish me luck.

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a brief tale

2008-01-26T17:03:00.001-08:00

I had a scare. For a while, I'd hawk up a little bit of blood-tainted phlegm after my episodes. Nights ago, I was actively bingeing with M around. I ended up trying to act out super-furtively which was a bad idea. This time, I threw up blood. I actually felt a tear and it freaked me out. I'm alright as I knew I'd be (I always am and it pisses me off for some odd reason). However, the doc told me the obvious: continuing in my current path could really fuck things up. So, I managed 1 day without purging and the next day, what happens? I binge and purge. Right now, I'm just so disgusted that I seriously just did that even after my scare. I guess I thought it was enough that I was just eating. I mean, my head needs to be worked on. I'm just tired. Now, M knows my true weight. heck, even I didn't know my true weight. Apparently, me plus the clogs I have for shoes and clothes barely hit 100. The sick thought that ran through my head was: what?!?! All my pain and suffering and it's not even showing on my body? That's the honest truth. The next few days will be interesting. Before I acted out, I was very willing to eat 3 meals and my 2 snacks. However, now that I'm acted out without any immediate "repercussions", I'm tempted to repeat the feat again. I know I'm tempting the fates and part of me feels reckless and wants to see what'll happen. Then again, I saw how miserable M and how worried that I would be truly hurt. It made me hurt to have that happen. Right now, I'm going to try to pretend this never happened. I'm going to try and remember that I've possibly racked up a few grand in bills because of a hospital visit. Ergo, I owe it to my financial pocket to quit this habit! M's actively trying to help me and I want to help him to help me. We went grocery shopping and we got very good deals on vegetables. I love him so much. I'll try to do some healthy cooking while my brain cells are all jumpy from getting their fix. *sigh*

Lah Di Dah

2008-01-20T11:34:00.001-08:00

Been feeling ho hum. I've been bitten by the bug of reality a.k.a. I've got an expensive "Hobby" in form of my illness. I need to severely curb spending, but I'm essentially sabotaged. I've thought of quitting cold turkey and it's happened before. Although, I suspect it won't be as easy this time. I've been hovering on the cusp of 3 digits and 2 digits. Not cool. I'm on my period so I'm trying to stay away from my scale.

Holiday madness

2007-12-30T17:48:00.001-08:00

It's safe to say I ruined my break. Didn't even get a chance to do anything fun because I decided the world was ending and I needed to indulge in b/p madness. ugh. I am in an abusive relationship with a scale and I totally need to get rid of it. Work starts in a couple of days and I hope it'll at least provide some distraction. Here's hoping y'all had better breaks.

A whiff of ...change?

2007-12-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

I followed a link to one of Tash's commenters and landed at her blog: http://bellajennys.blogspot.com/. I've been perusing her archived posts and it struck a nerve with me. Make that: it set the clangon going in my head. See,whenever I hear the truth, it makes me nervous. Nervous in a "Jane, go eat something to stop these crazy and rebellious thoughts from penetrating your mind". It frightens me to hear the truth, but a lot of times, I yield to the voice of ED not wanting to listen. I'm a wreck. Physically, I feel fine. Mentally, I am not (duh). I want my M to be like Bella Jenny's Carlos in terms of rendering support. M's trying to help but it's unfortunately not the kind of help that's really going to help me. For instance, he made me get breakfast today. Again, the items we were going to get weren't exactly the healthiest of breakfast items so I said "fuck it" mentally and literally went for broke. I told him to even get me an extra item for "later" which he bought (literally and figuratively). Well, I did the deed and I feel crappy for all the money I'm wasting on this disease. I'm scared to let M see the finances because he'll instantly know that that's why we haven't been able to pay off the credit card in time. :( Man, right now, I haven't eaten a thing. I'm really struggling with wanting to feel healthy/nourished/full. However, my mind has tricked itself into feeling it's okay to purge every single meal. That's what it has come down to for the past months. Nothing stays. I haven't weighed myself in a while and I don't want to. I feel that would be the straw to break my back and make me go nuts. I watched one of Bella Jennys videos on Youtube about an ED. She explained an ED as eating or starving to fulfil a psychological need. I am out of school so no academic stress. However, I know that I'm dealing with my personal stigma of having had to "drop out". I feel ashamed at certain ongoing situations and I struggle with the guilt I feel for feeling ashamed because I know that logically speaking, things are not as bad as they seem with regard to the certain ongoing situation. I'm really tired because this disease has morphed into both an obsession and a compulsion.

at my wit's end

2007-12-17T05:29:00.000-08:00

I don't know where to start. How about I start about M's means of supporting me? I.e. when we were getting busy, he starts to feel my neck/collar region and generally gets mad. So, he lays there like a log because he's mad I've "lost so much weight". That hurt. I'm trying to focus on the issue at hand i.e. the fact that it's telling on me that I've got eating/food issues. However, my mind won't let go of hurts. He apologized for showing his anger in the fashion that he did, but it will be awhile before I can make that first move again. So, this morning, he takes it on himself to order food w/out even asking what it is that I want. Needless to say, the food items was not on my "pre-approved" list and it went straight down the drain. However, the story I always tell M is that I kept it. It's such a farce. He wants to know how it is that I "eat breakfast" and end up losing weight. You do the math, M. I'm angry and lashing out irrationally at him. He admitted that he didn't know how to deal with my issue(s). However, I know that if I send him to a site that I think is helpful, he won't read. He's been asking me things like do I think I can handle it on my own? Well, my stock answer is always, yes I can. For the past 4 mths. You know what? It's not his problem, it's mine for having this problem. He is obsessed with me gaining weight and I'm not too fond of that idea. However, he thinks that more meat on my bones will solve the issue. He thinks if I just get outdoors more often or do some yoga or read some spiritual non-Christian stuff, that I'll be aokay. I really hate to sound so pessimistic or defeatist, but it doesn't work like that. I wish you would see that. I almost think he thinks I'm doing this just to lose weight. Well, I don't know what to tell M anymore. He believes what he believes. I'm obsessed with what I'm obsessing over. We are at something of an impasse. I can't deal. I'm rambling. I am just tired because it seems every 3 wks or so, it hits M that his wife has an ED and that yes! she's losing weight. He raises sturm and drang over it and threatens to put me in a "facility" A facility he doesn't even believe in from his statements like "isn't all they teach you there things that I can teach you?" and this relates to the yoga, outdoorsy thing. He goes through a phase of intensely scrutinizing my body which he doesn't know secretly gives me a evil thrill. Call me wicked. Then, it tapers off and we're back to life as we know it. Back to not following through. I'm essentially saying that I've been through this with him before. He's not going to do anything and for now, neither am I. Our collective problem is follow through. Although he seems to be more afflicted with it than I. I guess I would feel better if I knew that it wasn't just steam or hot air with M. He is not my salvation and I have to take care of me. And I'm hitting publish and won't care if he reads this.

Grrrrrhhhh!!!!!

2007-10-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

It's been over a month on the new job. I'd been on tenterhooks for a while because my new employer's employer has a policy of being able to fire new hires without even giving the new hires any reason(s) for a duration of 3 mths. Needless to say, I've been busting my balls i.e. coming in at least 30mins early and leaving past 5pm. I don't mind giving a job 110%. I however don't like feeling like the sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. My new boss is female and a hard taskmaster. I love it in one way because it will force me to be a responsible member of the workforce. I've always been somewhat of a slacker on keeping good laboratory notes. She checks our notebooks daily so I'm glad that I will be forced to keep good notes. However, her anal nature comes through alot and it grates on me sometimes. In addition, if her day is bad, she takes on a bad vibe that is seriously contaminating. I should say that it feels like she actively tries to contaminate others with her bad vibes. Needless to say, I loathe being there when she's in one of those moods. Overall, I love my job i.e. it's what I'm trained to do. Pay is just barely what I was getting paid in graduate school so it might raise the argument again as to why I left graduate school. :) Well, I know why I left so I know better than to flog that dead horse. I intend on working in this job for a max. of 2 years. After which, I shall actively pursue something in a better pay range.
On the ED front, I'm not moving forward. M reads this blog although I'll bet he hasn't checked it in awhile. Still, he's threatening to force the issue. I'm actively engaging in bad behaviors and on the wall about quitting said behaviors. I know that makes me a horrible person. I'm a functioning bulimic and part of me feels content with that. The times that I question this state are really very painful and they threaten to send me in a depressed state. That's what makes recovery very hard to contemplate. Even admitting this is causing a rising feeling of panic that I just want to methodically squash by systematically engaging in a binge. However, I'm going to chug through this post, finishing listening to an album and try to quieten the voices of dissent in me that do not like what is going on. *sigh*

mini-vent

2007-09-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, where do I start? I've been one week on the new job and got a talking-to already. In fairness, it wasn't a big deal although I let it stress me out a lot. My body took a beating this weekend. I didn't have the heart to tell M what the real story behind my illness was. We had a semi-big fight over me and my disorder. he actually said something to the effect of "I was going to let it come between me and him" That pissed me off so all bets were off and I punished him/myself by acting out in front of him. We've made up, but the underlying problem is still there. He really wants to help, but for some reason, I don't want his brand of help which consists of telling me to take walks (I'd rather veg. out), say no to a binge, etc. It's hard explaining it and he's not too fond of doctors. I'm not pinning this mess on him, but I can't be too honest with him or he essentially freaks out. It's less stressful for me and for him, I suppose if I make like all is well.*sigh* I've gotta run.

.... title-less

2007-09-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I got a job and I resume operations this week. I've sorted out HR paperwork which is less stressful after I got the magical card that I'd previously spoken of. :) I'm thrilled and excited that I am finally going to be helping M out with the expenses. Speaking of which, I'm this close to telling M that I had had enough with our living situation. Our power bill is getting ridiculous (~ $330!!!!) in a house of 4 people. The reason is primarily because the landlord keeps the air on 24/7. Granted, all utilities + rent is still less than living at an apartment. However, I am beginning to think that maybe the privacy, reduced freakish power bills and just the space would be worth it. I'll rethink this more vigorously after I've paid off my credit card bills (just under $2500) and my school bills (~ $350). Grrrh. Things aren't going so well on the ED front. I'm stuck at my 11x-s plateau and it's driving me crazy although I know that I've actively sabotaged my weight loss efforts by things I do that counter the ED even though those acts aren't enough to prevent the ED'd behaviour. Sigh. I've had days where I only had 1 episode, but I was always so close to not slipping up. However, it felt like I needed my fix. It was a horrible craving. I'll be sitting in on a benefits meeting for my new job and I should be selecting a health insurance option. I'll be making sure to get dental insurance to get my poor pearlies checked out.

A little bit o' this ...

2007-08-23T00:27:00.000-07:00

Well, to say things are looking up is a slight understatement. I am this much closer to sealing the deal on a certain job. I have no idea what the pay will be but as long as it's more that my grad. school stipend, I'll be fine. Besides, M and I are paying less than you would expect monthly for rent + utilities out of his meager paycheck. I have a second interviewing round with prospective employers so please, put me in your prayers so that they'll hire me. If that fails, heck, I've got another interview lined up so the door isn't completely closed to me. This month has been amazing barring my increased frequency. I am officially a perm. resident so there's that major obstacle out of my way. I think my chances of getting hired are pretty good because I've had 6 interviews (3 before I started proceedings so I was pretty sure that I wouldn't get those jobs. No employer likes dealing with immigration issues, I just rejected 1 interview invitation, I have 1 interview pending an outcome and 1 more invitation interview else where) since the time I've been out of school after the semester came to an end. That's at least 1 interview per month. These jobs are jobs that I will actively look forward to because they will keep my mind fresh and agile in my chosen field. I just hope that I'll be given a chance.

Nobody said it was easy.

2007-08-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

For quite some time, I've given in without a struggle. I've even welcomed the fall at times. However, as M keeps talking over my obsessions and stuff, it keeps bringing things to the fore. I don't want to talk about the why. I still think his approach is wrong and almost makes me want to dig in my heels. However, the fact that his voice reverberates in my head as I'm about to fall should speak to the semi-effectiveness of our talks. Last night was no exception. We had a deep talk about where I was and I finally blurted out that perhaps, maybe I didn't want to recover. I wasn't too surprised because for awhile, the ED has ruled over me. However, there's still a part of me that loathes being beholden to this demon. With respect to my job hunt, my references have been contacted and the trail seems cold. I was slightly bummed out about that, but I have since snagged another interview slated for next month. I've been letting the hunt get to me i.e. being depressed about it. The what-ifs i.e. if I don't find a job doing what I was trained to and perhaps have to work in the retail sector. Theoretically, there shouldn't be anything stopping me from getting a job i.e. I've got the work authorization (check). Hell, I even passed the damned interview so I'm unofficially a resident. Yet, I've found something else to obsess over and to dampen my joys. *sigh* M keeps telling me to chill about the job thing which is a major issue for me right now. I'm currently a stay-at-home wife and that's overwhelmingly conducive to my disorder. I once told M that if I didn't have a game plan within 30mins to an 1hr of when I awoke, that the day was shot. It is shockingly true.

I'm typing this post frantically in the hope that this wave will pass right now. I'm tired and my body's tired. I'm officially healthcare-less driving another nail into my coffin. I've been very "healthy" thus far, but if something major should happen, I'm doomed. M's got healthcare, but it's one of those not-free-for-spouses plans. Ugh. That's why I really need to land something soon so I can seek out some help. Meanwhile, I'll keep blogging.

dedication to the cause

2007-08-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

I was going to start this post by blabbing about how I'm not doing too well, how the hubby's forcefully trying to help but oddly triggers me, etc. But instead, I'll talk about something I've alluded to before: immigration. I'm currently in AOS status with my interview date coming up pretty quickly. I'm nervous just because they'll ask all these questions that do not reflect the true genuine nature of a marriage. My husband is the kind of person with a porous memory. Not insulting him in any way. He just doesn't care to carry non-essential information in his head. It's tucked in there, but it won't come out in one fluid movement of the mouth which is what USCIS would evidently prefer. Now, I've been preparing i.e. reading experiences online, and gathering 'data' and I think I'm calm enough to face the judge/jury/executioner. lol. I just wish he'd realize the enormity of this and put as much effort into it as I am. Now, he's been bitten by the urgency bug and has become more involved. But this didn't happen till i started bitching about it. I've been so stressed about it and worried. I'm just tired at this point, but there is a silver lining in this cloud of mine. I've got an interview for a job at a university professor's lab and I'm very excited. What makes me doubly excited is that my EAD card is in production and will be in my hand before I know it. *insert huge grin* Now, I've just got to knock the interview out of the ball park and this job will be mine. God forbid, if that job doesn't work out, at least I can get some job to add money to our coffers. That would be awesome!! I'm tired of sitting at home and being on the computer. M's been pushing for me to be taking walks, etc, but I've thoroughly resisted his efforts. I understand why I'm doing that , but can't seem to snap out of it i.e. depression. Hell, recently, I went over 7days w/out showering and just on a massive b/p spree. My landlord has even noticed that food disappears, but doesn't reappear on my person. He's very astute and I'm sure he's looking for a way to tell me that he knows the score. *sigh* I don't know. I've been very low energy, snappy feel very bad for M. He knew I was struggling with this , but shortly before we got married, I seemed to "kick" it. My T knew what she was talking about when she wanted me to keep up my therapy, but I let my financial situation get in the way. It's been over 3mths since we got married and my love for M is waxing stronger. I don't get it, but it is. :) Happy 3mth anniversary to you, my love. I know that I've been worse that a premenstrual woman, but please bear with me. I know you mean well whenever you try to suggest things that I should do, but I'm in the throes of this "thing" and right now, it seems you're the enemy even if you're not. I do wish that I have the gumption to show you some helpful literature on how to help me help myself, but part of me wants to keep making you my enabler. That's been very wrong of me and I want to change.

It's like I never left!

2007-07-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Man, the support has been amazing from y'all. It's really like I didn't take an unannounced break and not a word of censure. Thanks to AE, Frida, Mellatoburger (lol), EJ and everyone else. It's hard but yesterday was a bumbling start towards getting my life back. I just had a weird thought about M and I. I wished that I'd met M back in college. His love really makes me wonder the hows or whys or what he sees in me. I think I understand him and sometimes, I don't. All I am right now is grateful to God for giving me my second half. I know several people are struggling like I am and I'm praying for God to give us all collective strength to support each other, verbally, blogger-wisely or otherwise. :) Right now, M's really getting onto me i.e. wanting me to leave the house and leave the computer. He's actively trying to get me away from the house which is the start and culmination of evil. Yours truly is actively resisting it and I should know better. Hell, the day isn't over yet and I've already racked 1 point up in favor of you-know-who. I think I'll start using the points system to denote the number, etc and you-know-who to stand for the ED. lol.

One question that has remained unanswered for me is if I were to err in recovery, is it on the side of caution or not? I.e. if one knows that a meal period is not a safe time, should one still go ahead to have it or skip it? Ideally, the person should know that it's a meal and that it's fuel not slag. But the case in point was last night where I had a veggie half sub. I've always told myself that I'd skip it if I didn't feel safe or strong. Eventually, I'd get hungry, eat, feel guilty, rinse and repeat. Last night, I kept more down than I have in a while and woke up this morning with a vengeance towards myself. Ergo, the 1-0 in favor of mia today. Well, I'm trying to take this day-by-day and we'll see how I do.

In my shoes

2007-07-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

It's 3.30am and I'm haunting Facebook. Looking at profiles of past acquaintances in a sadistic bid to see what everyone's up to: graduate school or working. What am I doing? Nothing. Right now, I'm feeling like a has-been or worse, a never-was. I know I'm not thinking straight right now, but I need to work through these negative emotions before I can reach deep to pull out some positive crap. I'm feeling like I wasted my life/time and in short, a failure. That's it, short and simple. My problem right now is that I'm not so sure what my end goal in life is. Hell if I thought of something now, there are 10 roadblocks ready to pop up. I am violently angry at myself and incredibly frustrated. I 'fessed up to M about the status of things because he thought (still thinks) that I don't need the meds anymore. When he started on that, I stopped him and told him that I'd been doing worse since I got off my meds. I think I can even backtrace to when the downward spiral started. Hell, my T warned me this could happen i.e. nurturing only the physical allows the mental to fester and soon, it overwhelms the physical. I was doing fine with eating and slowly but surely, it crept back and I didn't have any resources to fight back. To be brutally honest with my state of mind right now, I have no intention of stopping. I'm on a self-destruct timer and I know it sounds so godawfully depressive. The more I read about how this person's travelled to Europe or won this fellowship or got into med school, the more I want to crawl back into my skin.

Now, let the rational side of me come out: What is it that I did that is so wrong that will make me feel ashamed to live? Not taking summer internships? I did that. Not getting any "prestigious" regional awards? Didn't do that. Getting into a top tier grad school? I did that. Not finishing said grad school? Major reason for feeling more and more like a failure. Now, I'm married and we're both poor. Ugh, I sound really like a wet blanket. I know other role models that I can look up to who didn't go through the super-smart college, fellowship-winning route. M's sister is a prime picture of that and she's even put ideas into my mind about what else is out there. Here's a brief rundown of all that's crossed my mind: teacher, emt, nurse, cna, cytotechnologist, etc. I know the future is still bright. I just feel so drained and helpless as if either of those goals are unreachable. Granted, it won't happen in a snap. That will be the price I'll pay for not having my eyes on the prize in college when I was preoccupied with my ED and just making the grade point average. There's really no use in mulling over the had-I-knowns because it'll only make me more depressed. I think I should focus on what I can do. M and my landlord keep telling me how I've got a great resume and at times, I make like I believe it. It's time I really believe in myself no matter the lack of fellowships or whatever else. I'm tired now. Goodnight, y'all.

Long overdue

2007-07-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

I took a mini- and unannounced hiatus. I have only resurfaced long enough to post this. An idle mind is truly the Diablo's workshop and not doing anything is not doing wonders for me. I've got only my pc to keep me company although I admit that I could take the initiative to go out. After all the festivities, I've settled down. We don't have our own place yet, but we hope to someday. To say that things are alright would be an outright lie. I've returned to my crappy way of coping and it's taking its toll on me. Cue the constant personal belittling of oneself, extreme moodiness/snappiness, weird crying jags, etc. Right now, I'm on my period and am being a total bitch. Life really sucks for now and I'm just scared. M and I argue so damn much it makes me really sad. When we were dating, it was over stupid stuff that we kiss and make up over. Now, we're both too proud to admit who was wrong. I don't want to care about who was wrong or right in the end. At least, let's not go to bed with our anger. I'm just tired right now. I don't care if he's reading this but if he does and doesn't like what he reads, that's too bad. Right now, I'm also jobless because I'm waiting for my necessary paperwork to get the greenlight. It really sucks. M's in a blue collar job that he hates and we both want him to get out off. Oddly enough, that seems to be our biggest bone of contention because it's like when something crops up, he finds a reason to want to remain where he is. I don't know anymore. I think I'll stop butting my nose in his job search. That's all for now. I'm not even thinking recovery at this moment. My life is consumed with the almighty USCIS proceedings. This hassle just makes me want to return to my home country and make it like others back there are doing.

Thanks for the love!!

2007-05-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

Goodness, it feels like ages since my last post. Thanks for the reassurance that Matt and I aren't crazy. lol. My wedding was beautiful in its quirky way i.e. done at the courthouse. His folks (mom et al) were there, but none of mine were able to make it. The ones who were closest were so far off that it would've been near suicidal to ask them to come on such short notice. So, I'm officially a married woman. My ring was purchased after the fact, but it still held all the charm. Enough about me. Guess what? I've got a 3rd job interview. I'm excited about this one like I was about all the rest. All I need is a work permit and I'll be a tasty candidate for any job. It's a slightly heady feeling, but I don't want to count my chickens before they are hatched. There's so much to do, but I'm starting with the smallest tasks. M's taking the day off tomorrow so we'll take care of stuff mostly financial and legal matters. I didn't change my last name just because I thought that it might complicate things at this point. When the dust settles, I will. I got in touch with an old girlfriend and informed her of my reception that should happen this summer. My in-laws are the best and craziest. One of them joked that I should just leave the details to them and they'd invite me to my wedding reception. It's almost like big fat american wedding sans the fat part. His mom's side of the family is petite. In my heels, I felt like the tallest and I'm 5ft 1.5inches!! I wore ~4inch heels. lol.

I was so frazzled that mia took advantage. I've lately become worried and nearing obsession over how much I've actually gained. Sometimes, I love my body and sometimes, I loathe it. M has this uncanny knack for knowing when I've messed up and he comes over to comfort me and reassure me that it's not the end of the world. He constantly challenges me and when I become really distraught, he changes from teacher to loving husband. For the most part,I like the challenges e.g eating out at Zaxby's, eating lowfat instead of fat-free, etc. It should be interesting how this pans out. That's all for now. I'm really sleepy right now as I've taken some meds. So, I'll update later.

doing so good ... until

2007-04-30T14:34:00.000-07:00

some really really bad news came. Mella, status refers to me being an alien legally in this country. I've got a tight deadline for something to get done and I just kept comfort eating and eating. *sigh* I kinda know where I started down the slippery slope. The thing is I did recognize the potential for danger, but the bad news made it harder to buffer. If that makes sense. If I hadn't had any bad news, I'd have gone ahead with my regular lunch even though I would have been feeling slightly anxious. I'd have been able to successfully distract myself. Today, I wasn't able to do that because my defense mechanism didn't have its grease: my peace of mind. I only had a bagel for breakfast, snacked on some oatmeal cookies and had some yogurt with granola prior to lunch. However, when the bad news got to me, I went into "auto-pilot" mode. Things have been going well. My second interview went well, I think. However, complications may prevent me from getting the job anytime soon. I'll see how things go. In any case, this was my first slip up since my last post. I told M after it happened and he was disappointed. However, I'll be seeing him very shortly. Our relationship has been maturing and it comes with its ups and downs. A lot of the "fights" that sprout are mostly around politics or the state of the society today. I have this sneaky feeling that that might be considered slightly weird in some quarters. lol. He has very set opinions on things whereas I am fluid and can alter my stance on things. He perceives the world as having a universal right and wrong. He doesn't claim to know what it is, but just that there has to be a right and wrong. I don't disagree with that, but I add another variable which is the context of society, people, cultures, etc. Anyway, I like it when we have deep discussions. We just need to be able to find a way not to fly off the handle when we get too heated. And not get personal which is what I did and I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself. I tend to get carried away when arguing for something I believe it ... sounding pompous about why I know I'm right and ruthlessly using life's examples to make my brutal point. I stooped to a level that wasn't warranted, but we've since made up. :)

Other than that, the job hunt fever has slowed down. I don't think my slip up is the end all for my upward climb. In fact, it reinforces the fact that the devil never sleeps so I've got to be constantly vigilant. I talked to a friend and something interesting happened. I listened. I am usually the one semi-forced to regurgitate details of my life. However, I asked her a question and the dam was let loose. It felt good to be "there" for my friend. This friend whom I about cut out of my life because of my crippling embarrassment. Well, I'm glad we're back to communicating. Life is good and I've been quiet on this blog because I moved apartments and didn't move my pc. All that has changed now. I've got wireless and my pc!! :D

verily verily I say unto ye

2007-04-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

It's not over until the fat lady sings. :) My second interview went very well. Actually, it nearly went bad before it went very well. Let me start from the beginning. From the moment I got the email, I had the dreaded feeling that my status was going to be an issue. I slept on this feeling and decided with M's prodding to be active about my job search and bring it up upfront before having to attend the interview only to be apologetically turned away. So, I called the interviewer and told him about my status. He was taken aback initially when I told him that as he claimed not to have seen that on my application for the job. Now, I'm not given to lying on applications about the true status of things so if it wasn't a check box for my classification, there's nothing much I can do. I brought the issue upfront so that it would save me a trip if my status was an issue. To his credit, he said that if I were hired, we might possibly work something out. He didn't explicitly rule me out so I got ready for my grilling. It was at a postgraduate institution and totally in line with my graduate school work. I got there about 2 hrs earlier than scheduled and met him in the lounge. So, we actually started our interview earlier than scheduled. I think everything went well and if I lose the job, there'll be no hard feelings because I totally understood his concerns which he was very clear about. I also believe I was firm and clear in my belief that I was the right person for the job. I have made my pitch and I'll find out in about 2 weeks. In the meantime, I hope to be able to catch a couple more interviews so I won't be totally devastated. :)

In other news, I've told one relative about the news with me. Doing this was a major stressor, but I decided to do it via email. I'm waiting for this relative's response via email before the next step to be taken. Something interesting also happened today. I weighed myself. *breathe* I wasn't expecting anything. I was at a house with M and there were the analog scales. Sitting there in their muted glory. I hopped on expecting evil music to start playing and nothing happened. I waited for my evil alter ego to pop out with taunts but she was silent. Hell, I even ate out and got some good ole' Southern cooking in me! I have truly made some good strides and even M can't believe how far I've come. I'm a bit pissed at the Dr. who prescribes my meds though. I told him all the good news about interviews, moving, etc and his first response was I'd be moving closer to a treatment facility. I did a mental double take and wondered how truly beastly his response was. I've acted out a total of 4 times since this blog started and if you compare that with the true level at which I was acting out before quitting cold turkey, you'd be surprised. I'm far from perfect eating. If anything, these days I'm not 100% hungry as I used to be and I'm even more active which is a weird combination. However, like today proved, I'm getting used to the idea of snacking and eating in response to my body being hungry. I'm learning to listen to my little but not so little rule of "Are you hungry?" If yes, then, go with your first instinct. The one you had when you saw the rice drenched in gravy-licious sauces. :) A little splurge now and then, won't kill you. I will confess though to being in a sensitive mode when ordering "rich" food and erring on the side of caution so I don't fall prey to binge eating. My former "bad" list is shrinking and to tell you the extent, I'm loving milk chocolate again! I was able to nibble on bite sized chunks while waiting for my dinner to get ready without guilt! I think M may have been amazed. lol. Well, I'm on the talkative side tonight. I haven't done much introspection yet and I'll be regurgitate my thoughts as they tumble out haphazardly. Cheers!

Round two [ding] [ding]

2007-04-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

:) Neat title eh? Well, I have completed another interview and although I'm nervous, M says I'm doing really well for someone who's just on the job market. I know I'm totally edible but am I tasty enough for someone go to the task of filling out paperwork on my behalf? It makes me doubt my self worth even though I kinda understand their instinctual response to go the path of least resistance, but can they give a girl a break? *sigh* I felt a good rapport with the people I'd be working with so all I can hope is that they give good words in my favor. I want to be very positive so I'll withhold all predictions till I hear from the employer in about 2 weeks of torturous pain. :) I hope I get some more interviews to occupy my time. Last night was fun because I actually went to a bar with M. M's laid back so I didn't have any pressure to primp. The bar was totally my style so we aim to do more of that. I'm upset at the latest developments with my engagement to M. We got back over a year and I am guessing their squeamishness is because they don't know that we're not naively going into this. We have plans and by Jove, we'll make it work. I'm just glad that M and I are the same page and united in love. I'm truly blessed to have his support. His unflagging faith in me is part of what keeps me going. Add this to my parents who are unwavering in their belief in my decisions and you have a Jane who's deeply honored and touched. Something really interesting happened at the interview. My nature is to say hello instinctively and warmly to whomever I'm passing/crossing. So, this I did before heading to the lion's den. lol. Well, after all was said and done, I was lost and had to ask for help. The lady I greeted earlier then divulged to me that when I had walked in, she remarked to her colleagues that I was unbelievably pretty. lol. I added the unbelievably part because I forgot the adjective she used. She actually asked me not to take the compliment the wrong way! Now, I blushed deep and hard mentally. It reminded me how I take myself for granted in a lot of ways. I don't think I'm worth because I think I'm not an ideal candidate or unqualified. I don't think I make M happy because I'm . Negative self talk keeps one down and I'm going to start shedding that negative tough love I supposedly give myself and start loving myself more again. It literally uplifts my spirits when I get compliments so that bad news is harder to take. When you have given yourself some love, you'll find yourself like a ball. You will bounce back higher. At least, I feel like a ball right now so I'm ready for news: good and bad (mostly good. :) ).

feeling happy no matter what

2007-04-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the supportive words, guys. It was a very interesting day, but I somehow channeled my vibes so that my day would end on a good note. In other news, I've got yet another interview lined up! I called M up and screamed in his ear for a good bit. This one is even more ideal because I won't have to find another apartment, but just live with him and his roommates in a house. If I get it, I could end up saving lots of money which will ease my worries. My lease on my current apartment will be up and in less than 2 week so I'm stressing out with the thought of packing. M and I have been together for over a year and we slipped into the marriage talk. It happened a while back, but I'm engaged to him although we're not able to buy a real ring. I've been told I look a good 10 yrs younger than my age and while it's flattering, in some situations, it could be a wee bit troublesome. We went to get the marriage license and the guy looked at me and went, "there's no way in hell you're 22" I cracked up inside and gave M and "I-told-you-so" look. He never believes that people seriously mistake me for a high schooler so he got a first hand glimpse into it that day. I've told my old therapist something about these things being said by people (the young thing) and how somehow, that has fed into me wanting to remain all "cute and cuddly" to perpetuate that image. It sucks and some days when I don't feel too happy, I don't like to hear that at all. It just feeds into the negativity of my ED'ed self and I don't want to egg it on. I just thank God that M sees me for the woman that I am i.e. he claims he didn't think I looked 12 - 16 which has been the age range I've been pegged at by strangers. lol. I've been playing the visa lottery thing for years and no luck, but I'll still keep doing it. The prohibitive fees that are required for filing if one's status is changed via marriage, lottery etc will present a roadblock to M and I so right now, my bet and somewhat sole bet is to get hired by a company/person willing to tackle the USCIS bureaucracy for me. Well, I'll update later. I just woke up a few minutes ago and cracked up reading through my comments. Thanks for the comments!! :)

in response to EJ and other matters :)

2007-04-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't get the job. *pouts* Actually, it really sucked to be hit with that news. Here's a hint why: I'm a foreigner and away with the speculation! :) I need to go through the USCIS hoopla to get a job after they let me come here to get an education. How twisted they are over there! The search continues. At one point in my life, I did consider tattoos, but in my wimpy-esque fashion, I didn't. :) I do have short dark-colored hair so I'm some sort of brunette. I'm thoroughly tickled at EJ's visual depiction because I had something else pegged as my online persona. I didn't know I had goth in me. :) If I've ever comment on your blog, my IP address i.e. the reverse DNS thingie should give my location in the states away and tie me to a specific locale. Today was an interesting test of what I've been slowly learning over the past few days. I haven't had major stressors but the seismic impact of not getting the job threatened to derail me. I knew in my heart that the job would have been mine if not for my status and I ran the gamut from hating myself in my skin to pretending it was just peachy. I finally settled somewhere in between that didn't leave me feeling crappy afterwards or heading for the nearest fast food place. My day started off really early because I was wound up so tight that I got probably ~3 hrs of sleep. Via public transit, it took me 3 bus rides plus a train to get to my destination plus a little bit of walking. Turns out my early-birdiness paid off ... by an hour to my interview time. All is good and well. Time flies by when my stomach growls to remind me that I haven't eaten. I was tempted to use the 'stress' of the situation to avoid eating, but reminded myself that I was in this for the long term and cutting corners in my recovery cloth would leave me naked before I realized it. So, I ran to the nearest McDonalds to get a Big Breakfast and dollar-menu yogurt. I wish I could say that was the first item that popped into my mind when I first got there. I was wondering what the healthiest option to get would be and I lost sight of the simple guideline: are you hungry? So, I got me a hearty breakfast although I left out the sausage and bits of the eggs. The biscuit, hash brown and yogurt were devoured on sight. :) To make the long story short, the interviewer asked me the dreaded question and I didn't answer in the affirmative. Then, she ended the interview apologetically. I graciously made my way out while gnawing on my nails. I was so absentminded that I missed the bus so I was stuck there for another hr!! You can imagine how my mind had began to run with the theme of the day being accursed, etc. I wasn't hungry, but my emotional eating streak kicked into full gear. This place was surrounded with tons of eateries and the ED'ed part was calling out to be let loose. I was so glad to keep her in check! First, I went for a walk about the shops and then, I saw an electronics. Now, I can get lost in that store so that ate up much of the hour where I ended up getting a brand new phone for ~$20. I was seriously stoked and told the sales guy that I thought I was in heaven when I landed that phone. :) It's a little old Motorola phone that I had been coveting. Well, I left the mall area with a lightened heart and literally skipped to the bus stop where I engaged in conversation with someone till the bus arrived!! Where did my hour go??? I can't express how good it felt to not use food to cope because I know that it would have been a different story. Oh, about the RSS thing, it allows others to keep track of your posts and you can choose to have a "comments" rss feed in addition to a "posts or entries" rss feed. I'm not sure if blogger has a comments feed, but I know this is possible on some blogging systems. Actually, I just did a little test with my post and I noticed that blogger can serve up notifications via rss of single posts. It's tricky, but if reading online works for you, go for it especially if you aren't on dial up like me. I turned to rss to cut the bloat (i.e. images, etc). I'm a bit tired as I haven't actually rested since the end of my trip over 8 hrs ago. Take care y'all and be well.

blog friendships

2007-04-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I believe I have a short fuse. Somewhat. I'm a confused 22 year old who is somewhat slow to know when she's not needed. I should have learned from a fellow blogger's incident and simply watched the play unfold. Well, that's the end of "trying to reach out". I feel like some kid being spanked for daring to not be sweet. 'Nuff said. Back to me, I've got a job interview! :) Yesss ladies. This Jane is going to get her a real job by the special grace of He Who Smiles Above You and I. :) It would be the perfect gig because I believe my skill sets are perfectly aligned with the job requirements. On the other hand, if I don't get it, life will still be a box of chocolates for me because I don't know what the next day will bring! That in itself slightly exhilarates me because I'm excited about living from day-to-day and living in the moment with my loved one, M. We're both mobile, young and in love. :) So, I'm drinking and saying "salut" to M and I. To AE, I feel your frustration and I believe I am rapidly heading there myself i.e. to the weight gain part. I'm feeling the strain on my jeans and I'm trying so hard not to freak out too much by doing things like self-love, strutting in the mirror, etc. It's hard, but I find when I do things like that, it takes my mind off the really negative things. That question "How Did This Happen" should be trademarked. lol. For real. Logically, you know you aren't eating to gain weight and I mean this in a non-ED'ed way. At least, I believe I'm eating for weight maintenance. But I feel the lbs creeping up and scaring the pants off me! :) Pun intended. This is where M will really come in handy as well as a good shopping trip. I don't know how he does it, but he manages to remain incredibly positive and even goes ahead of himself by saying he wants me at so-and-so weight. Of course, I smack him at that point, but my point is: if you've got a support system, now would be the time to invite them into your personal hell. Ask for help and I know that everyone wants to be helpful. Well, most people. I've got the few minority living in my world and it sucks sometimes. I can't even share good news with said minority because all they do is make me feel crappy about the decisions I've made! Well, I'm spent now. I'm going to go nourish myself. Take care, y'all. Btw, thx for the comments. Much appreciated.

PS: EJ commented on the long blogroll list and I keep via thanks to RSS feeds. If you are using IE 7, you'll notice the yellow icon light up if a post has RSS feeds available. Simply get yourself a feed reader (several good free ones abound, but I'm a feed reading addict so I paid money for a really good one called FeedDemon, but RSS bandit is good, etc) and start subscribing to your favorite blogs that you can read from your computer without having to fire up a browser window! How's that for convenient? Darn, now my secret's out. It only works really well if the owner of the blog has set his feed options to "full feeds". So, check yourselves! :)

Update to my last post

2007-04-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've been doing the usual fellow-fighter-blogosphere rounds and it seems like so much has happened. Esperanza's blog is "friend or invite-only"? If so, Esp, invite us (me) into your world! Please? if you don't feel safe/ready, that's fine and just stay out of harm's way. Several blog-friend's had their birthdays (Emily Jolie (EJ) and AE, and feel free to put your shout-outs to others). Happy b-day, y'all!! :) Well, speaking of EJ, I read her latest post today and it resonated with me. My slip up today had a lot to do with fearing that I'm truly getting better and being plain ole' triggered. :) I had just had a difficult session although I didn't let on how nervous I was. As a result, i left without getting any help. That was when I began to slide down my slippery slope. My email is weirdoleme at gee mail dot com. Forgive the extra precautions, but spammers are wily. Well, I think I'll go ahead and delete my other blog. it's a very painful chronicle of tortured times in my life. It'll be interesting to flip through sometime and go over my thought processes when I'm feeling more "secure". I'm not saying that this blog will ooze sunshine, but I want there to be that beam of positivity shining through no matter what happens. I would like to pick out a moral lesson for whatever happens. I will look forward and be true to myself. I'm 22 and I feel like my life has just started. I'm excited and nervous as hell because I'll be living in some seriously broke times. :)

wobbling

2007-04-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

In Frida's words, when you fall, try to make sure you "fall forward" Well, I'm human and not infallible. I have fallen, but I'm choosing to process it and learn from it. I'll be doing it on my own as this occurred just as I left my therapy session. It was more passive, but I know when I start on that slippery slope, I begin to get desensitized. A lot is happening that I cannot divulge yet. It will mean following my instincts right now and getting a heap of people disappointed. Granted, I will only care about the 1% of people "disappointed", but it rankles. Well, I've got business to finish up and I hope to share with you all soon. Cheers.

interesting mind games

2007-04-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I've sort of rebounded from my slip ups. My weekend was one of the more peaceful ones I've had in a while i.e. no mindless eating/purging or just being knocked out thanks to drugs. :) Well, I've also been watching movies and one I'd like to highlight in particular was "The Machinist" I was slightly unnerved watching Christian Bale waste away and his weight wasn't even close to what Jeremy's is! I can't even imagine what J looks like now and I just feel like giving J a big huge. I visit everyday and I just hope that something good happens right now. It was one of those mind bending movies, but in the end, it ended for good and I was so relieved for Christian Bale. Well, on to my recovery, I have caught myself several times thinking in an ED-ed way. It really weird to catch myself on that roll and I"m glad that I've been stopping myself before delving too deeply. I also need to see a nutritionist to make sure that I'm eating healthily and not in the ED-ed version of healthily i.e. no fats, no un-safe foods, etc. Right now, I have pretty much been eating the same stuff, but I think I'm a long way from where I was a month ago. I'd never snack without feeling guilty, but now, I can snack without wondering about the piles of calories. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I am aware that somewhere in the back of my mind, I am slightly mindful about too much weight gain so while I do snack "freely", I snack sensibly i.e. not binge-snacking although sometimes it feels like it. However, the wise part of my mind tells me that I don't binge-snack. Last night, I realized that I had been sticking to a good old routine that is safe and convenient for me. However, I needed to step things up a notch and decided that M and I would go out to a restaurant for some real life food (not Wendy's dollar menu yogurt, chili and salad which is what a meal sometimes would be for me.) I thoroughly enjoyed my outing and I'm pleased to say that I didn't even have the gag reflex. When I felt the beginnings of a rebellion, I downed several cups of water and kept the hounds at bay. If I kept writing about the little victories, this post would be too damn long. Anyhow, several things are happening in my life and while it's very trying, I'm doing my best to be upbeat about it. More later and remain cool!

rebounding from a slip

2007-04-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

I intend on being honest to myself if I am to succeed at what I need to do i.e. get better, get my life in order, etc. Today (04/05/07), I acted out. Why? Here is the story behind my 'fall' ... I saw my T some days ago and we talked about how I've progressed. She's frankly amazed and I'm happy that she's happy for me. Well, I told her about my apathy for school work and how I haven't been very energized to do work related to school. Her theory for that was that I was putting a lot of effort into recovery and that it makes sense for this effort to manifest as a deficit elsewhere. Well, the pressure to resurrect my focus on school has been building up in me and nearly driving me to madness. I still haven't seen a nutritionist which I need to place on my priority list. M is on my case for not eating "fats" whatever that means. I eat a lot of the stuff available at my apartment and a quick glance at my pantry tells me that's mostly oatmeal, hot chocolate. Then, for "real meals", I head over to a department store where I get things like fried rice and vegetables. I'm making good strides by eating things that I had considered "bad" i.e. mashed potatoes. Hell, I had a croissant the other day! So, I really don't understand and sometimes, I don't appreciate his saying that I need to get more "fat" in my diet. I garnered some trust to show him this blog so M, if you're reading this now, shoot me an email outlining your reasoning. :) Well, back to my "falling-off-the-sober-bandwagon" story, with M's encouragement, I had some of the ice cream. This is the part where M became an unwitting enabler if you will because in a twisted way, I had begun to get triggered from him willing me to take the ice cream. It was very good ice cream (low-fat et al), but I had already done the job of getting triggered by half. The ice cream sent me over the edge. I know now what I could have done differently i.e. the moment I knew that my having the ice cream would be a pivotal thing, I should have handicapped myself by taking my medication for calm. This is a drastic, but highly effective measure to shut down my thoughts at the moment and I totally needed it then, but I didn't do it. Nevertheless, I replenished my body stores while feeling like a child that had just been caught redhanded and subsequently reprimanded. :) So, lesson to self #1: yell when you need help instead of pretending you can handle it i.e. it's just ice cream, etc

being myself

2007-04-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

Well, the past few days have been sorely trying for me. Actually, I handled myself pretty well and I didn't allow myself the "luxury" of taking the usual way out i.e. blanking out by acting out. On Sunday, I survived an "attack" by mia on my own. That is huge. I feel like I need to write down what I did so I won't forget that I've got ammunition to fight back with now. This time, it wasn't because I was using M as a crutch, but because I truly wanted to fight her back, fire for fire. :) Anyway, come Monday, I got into my clothes and I fit right. So, there was lie #1 from mia that i wouldn't be able to fit into those clothes in a space of less than 1 week. It is irrational to think I'll let myself go that quickly. I acknowledge that yes, I may gain weight (or will gain weight), but that it will be fine or I will be fine. The weirdest thing about this whole thing is that M doesn't even think I've gained. I mean, the weight has gone to a much-desired spot so I'm pretty pleased (Victoria's Secret here I come!), but my arms and legs (in his eyes) are looking the same. Well, interestingly, I didn't get the usual "tingle" from someone talking about my "small"-ish size. I didn't latch on to that and try to restrict to preserve whatever it was. I just went for my thing (it was a 2-day thing) and had a blast. I ate robustly and guess what? I had a pastry this morning!!! Holy Mother of Jesu! I shit you not. This has been a no-no food in my book and never in mia's wildest dream would Jane ever put one of those into her body. Well, I ate it and I didn't die nor did my pants split as I sat down. And it tasted damn good so take that! I cannot wait to talk to my therapist about all of this because I cannot believe it! I have done a volte-face and I don't want to go back! So, this is what it's like. The hard part is coming because I've got exams coming hard and fast. This will be a trying period, but I hope to come through this with your support. Have a blessed week, y'all.

Managing by myself

2007-04-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm finally getting one of those offline composers to avoid the problem of signing off and on with my ed alter-ego vs my real life gmail addy. Well, life has been very interesting. My birthday was a blessed day because I let go of some anger that I had been harbouring within me. I was remembered and that was enough to thaw the ice around my heart. Recovery-wise, I didn't get to meet with my nutritionist because of a scheduling error. Actually, it was my fault because i was banking on them calling to remind me of my appointment which they never did. Anyway, I've been eating well and since my slip-up early in the week, I have managed to keep mia at bay. This weekend was a very interesting one in that I was so scared that I would slip up. Saturday, I felt as if I ate way too much and so I went to bed feeling kinda crappy. I woke up this morning and recalled the events of last night and felt sick to my stomach although I still ate. However, I was warring with myself whether or not to go through the with program of eating my 3 meals-a-day or trying to see if I could get away with nibbling. That wasn't a good idea because the more I obsessed over whether or not I could "get away with it", I felt trapped and very soon, I started plotting how I would just fuck it all and go act out. I was thisclose to putting the money where my thoughts were and doing the deed. However, I used a weird tactic to turn me off that course of action. I allowed myself to have an extra helping at lunch time of oatmeal. It felt like a binge, but I told myself, if I was going to binge, I would binge on healthy foods. That doesn't really make sense, but it stopped me from spending money to feed my desire to act out. Then, I called M and I think I transferred some of the crappy feelings to him because I was acting testy. Anyway, the sweetheart kinda knew that something else was going on. Long story short, I took a nap and woke up feeling refreshed. Then, I toddled on down to the market to get my dinner and here I write, satisfied, feeling slightly fat, but okay with it. :) I've got a function to attend and at the rate at which i'm ingesting food, I won't be able to fit into clothes anymore. Granted, most of the clothes are "measurement clothes" anyway i.e. I would judge myself by whether or not they fit too snugly, etc. So, I do need to purchase new clothing items. I've been horrible about studying and I've got an exam in a few days. Please, say a prayer for me. This is not working out too well.

mini panic

2007-03-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

I've got an old relative coming down to see me and I'm having a bit of a mental breakdown. This relative knew me when I was ill and I'm just nervous about how she will view me now i.e will be she insensitive and tell me, damn, you've gained xx pound? I don't know how I will handle that. Ideally, I'd want to be able to laugh it off and tell her that instead of taking the disordered route to shed (if I so chose), I would do it by changing my lifestyle. I think that is my biggest fear that I will fall prey to the insensitivity I am afraid that I will get from her. Grrrr. Now, I'm running away from M, my support because this is one of those moments where I'm just having crazy thoughts running. It doesn't help that I'm on my period so I think it's safe to say I'm having one of those I-feel-fat days. Everything is super-heightened now and I don't want to do anything I'll regret. My tummy hurts really badly too. :(

Wow and wow

2007-03-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for the outpouring of support. My heart goes out to Miss Blue in strength in coping with her mom's health problems. Polly's been treated unkindly by the health system and I hope she doesn't pay the unkind treatment to herself in turn. Here's also wishing for strength to those struggling, recoverying or in-between. As for me, I have been coping with the physical inconvenience of returning to normal meal sizes. Since the week began, i've slipped up i.e. acted out once and it was out of anger at someone. It was one of the totally avoidable episodes and very much halfheartd. Still, it goes to show that I have a lot of work to do. My birthday was yesterday and I had a blast with M. I went clothes-shopping with M and I was slightly nervous that it would be triggering. However, I think that the mindset with which I went into the shopping "spree" helped a tremendous bit. Now, I knew that the odds were high that I wouldn't be able to fit into my usual size (1-3). So, I went higher and I didn't even feel 'bad' about it. i was aiming for what would fit and flatter my body and I'm proud to say that I did just that! Like I predicted, the "usual" sizes were tighter so mia piped up in triumph, but I quieted her by saying I was most likely going to gain some more weight so bigger sizes were in order. I ended up going with size 5/6 dress pants and I rocked them in a fashion shoot (where M was the photog) at home! lol. I feel much better mentally these days and the best thing of yesterday! I got an outpouring of Happy birthday messages from people that I thought had forgotten i existed!! This is important in the light of the fact that I hadn't told anyone of them "happy birthdays" when they had theirs. One of my closest college friends sent me one of those messages via FaceBook and I was so overwhelmed that I decided to call her. She was one of those I alienated particularly because she had discovered my previous blog-city blog right about when it had just started. To make this long story short, I have made up with her for real (yesterday). So, my birthday is also going to mark the end of the hateful period of Jane who locked everyone out. I realize I sound so damned optimistic, but I do feel freer than I've been in the past. So, I hope everyone's hanging in there. I'm doing what I can over here. So, be kind to you. :)

feeling bloated, but surviving

2007-03-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I had one implosion on Saturday. I woke up that morning and didn't have a plan of what to nourish myself with. As a result, I found myself snacking on half a bag of granola. I started feeling worse progressively before it turned into a full fledged meltdown with me buying some material for the finale. Well, I am glad to say that even after misbehaving that early on Saturday, I made up for it by replenishing my body's depleted stores. This is in contrast to my previous ED behaviour of capitalizing on having emptied my stomach and thus, no calories, etc. Anyway, Sunday turned out be even better despite certain things like public transportation that threatened to derail my day. I had fun and I ate smartly. There were foods that I didn't feel strong enough to attempt that I just didn't touch. I didn't deprive myself either because I filled myself with the good stuff! I'm getting more comfortable snacking knowing that I will gain weight with recovery so I'll just join the ranks of Americans who are attempting to get fit. It may be embarrassing to meet people who knew me when I was in trouble, but I will refuse to allow them to glorify that part of me. I think my T will be slightly astonished at what I'm doing. :P I have no doubt it will be hard because it will feel like not being so small, I'll have lost some of my identity or what makes me "special". And I have to realize that that is a lie that the ED has perpetuated because that was its means of keeping me "in line". Well, recovery will be about challenging this myth and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

a timely interruption

2007-03-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

AE, your comment was on point. I think I knew that somewhere inside, I wasn't eating enough. This feeling manifested itself by me feeling very ravenous which was when I had a little panick and called my T. Well, M came over late yesterday and we had a blast. I regret to say that I panicked and did regurgitate. However, in contrast to my previous behaviour, I realized what I was doing and cut it short. Meaning, there was more damage that could have been done, but I stopped it. As a result, I didn't do much studying last night, but I was still proud of myself. Fast forward to this morning, I'm feeling crappy about replenishing last night and feeling bloated. Actually, this constant feeling of being bloated is the most annoying and triggering of anything. I actually had M get me some saline laxative so I could poop. I hadn't been able to poop since I started eating "normally" Well, I'm glad to say it worked. :) So, today after some slight drama and betrayal by mia, I got some grub into me and at about 3pm, I started getting anxious. I've been anxious all day, but this time, it was special because I truly felt that if nobody had been around, it was acting-out time for me. I recognized this and it scared the shit out of me. I calmly told M that I needed my hit and that I didn't feel strong enough to withstand it. Well, my miracle happened then. M made an innocuous statement about a dog being outside my apartment and I was too deep in my obsession about where to get the goods to do damage from to acknowledge. But then, I heard the chink of Ma's chain and my face lit up like a beacon. Ma is my neighbor's dog whom I've fallen in love with. She lights up my life and I can't tell you how relieved I was that she was out. Ma made me get out of my slump i.e. I got dressed and got out to play with her! I played with her for about 30 minutes and would you know it, the moment of I-want-to-act-out passed! It was very refreshing and I was glad of the diversion. So, here are the problems as I see that are dogging my recovery:

i) I don't know how much to eat without feeling like I'm pigging out and that I therefore deserve to binge and act out.

ii) I'm still not sure I have a "toolkit" to whip out when I'm really upset by something. Right now, I seem to be fine with chowing down at meal times. I am so scared this is a flash in the pan.

iii) If this trend of eating right and feeling great keeps up, is it too late to buckle my shoes and be the great student that I know is in me? Or in the dr-who-wants-me-to-quit's words, do I need to "drop out for 2 yrs"? I don't know. I think I will be satisfying the man in the mirror if I do either. And that thought is enough to keep me from ripping the hair from my head. lol.

jumping ship (not me)

2007-03-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, after being told by a certain dr. that there was no way I could kick this except by dropping out, I decided that I want to be sober. Let me say that for the benefit of my ears: I. Want. To. Be. Sober. I started my journey to sobriety on Tuesday, March 21, 2007. What does sobriety look like to me? It means, eating 3 meals a day and having snacks in between. It means giving up my means of passive/active purging. It means doing all that is in my power to prevent a binge from happening. If my strength fails me at that checkpoint, sobriety still means I have the power to prevent a purge. I have tried my hand at quitting mia cold turkey over 2 yrs ago, but the thought processes were still there. Actually, I was actively binge-eating and simply wasn't purging anymore. I don't want that to be the case here. I want to be eat to satisfaction on things that will actively work for my body. For instance, yesterday's menu looked like this:
Breakfast: 1 serving of Kashi cereal + 1 cup of skim milk
Mid-morning snack: snackpack of baked Lays chips
Lunch: A "loaded" salad (with eggs, shredded cheese, cabbage, lettuce, olives and cottage cheese plus a low-fat Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing)
Mid-afternoon snack: snackpack of baked Lays chips
Dinner: A meal from Whole Foods market (rice, roasted vegetables and collard greens)
Snack: 1 serving of kashi cereal and some more carbs.

Now, towards the end of the night, I'd started feeling triggered because I felt uncomfortably full. I called up M and divulged my fears that I was going to act out, but he talked me through it and eventually, it took me being busy on the computer for my anxious feelings to go away. Also, I honored the feeling of wanting something more to eat by having some more of the cereal because I really did want some more! I went to bed, one satisfied young lady. lol. Moving on to today's menu,
Breakfast made in a hurry: 2 slices of Ezekiel bread plus 1+ tablespoon of peanut butter
Snack: Snackpack of baked Lays chips
Lunch: 1.5 servings of Kashi cereal (no milk) + snackpack of baked Lays Chips

Can anyone say, "Jane, you are setting yourself up?" lol. Well, at about 1pm, I got ravenous and was beating myself up over the fact that I'd had breakfast and lunch. Therefore, wasn't supposed to want anything else till dinner time. My evil alter ego refused to take into consideration the nourishment value of the items I'd had. Thankfully, I called my T who helped me give myself permission to sate my hunger because my body was wanting more. Well, I'm sitting at the desk with my belly full of a healthy mixed green salad! I'm looking forward to dinner and going to bed without hunger pangs!

thanks, guys!

2007-03-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your comments on my previous post. :) I like Blogger, but I might have to switch back to the old Blogger because I've got 2 separate Gmail accounts. I like to be logged into my real life Gmail all the time and it's a hassle to log back out and log in with this other account. Grrrh. Well, life has been really stressful and I haven't handled it as well as I could be. I've got exams coming out of my ass and I'm not studying! That's the scary part. I did something bad on Tuesday by weighing myself. Since then, I haven't been the same and I need to snap out of this funk. I think I was expecting a lower number than I saw and as M would say, that's not a nice thought. But when I saw the static number, I got a little depressed. Needless to say, I've had the roughest 2 days b/p wise. :( I've got a class n0w, but I'll flesh out this post or write a brand new one later.

First post!!

2007-03-08T06:58:00.000-08:00

I should have done this a long time ago. However, I was aiming for anonymity. I stupidly chose a little known service called Blog-city and now, after being with them for ove 2 yrs, they're moving to a paid model. There is no way for me to somehow migrate my posts over to Blogger. If I have to manually do it, I will. To the wolves with Blog-city!! :)