So, this week has been falling in between restricting and acting out (the bulimic way). Sad. I'm severely dehydrated and not taking my vitamins daily. I look ~ 10lbs less than I am which is rather small because I have the "athletic" look going on despite my lack of exercise. I also have a severely distorted view of how I look versus how I look to others. I look plump to myself, but apparently I'm small. I'm recognizing that I do that now and it scares me. I'm still on my antidepressant, but I am also realizing that this was a stopgap measure to get the husband off my back which is quite sad. I need to recover for me and stop deceiving myself about the efforts I'm making. Right now, I'm writing this because I'm severely triggered. Why? Because I don't have creamer for my morning oatmeal.
Yes, world. A simple thing as not having the right ingredient can send me hurtling down the b/p cycle. I stopped myself temporarily from acting on those base instincts. I'm going to check out the convenience store and see if they'll have some creamer on hand. Talk about paying premium, but for now, I'm accepting that I don't feel safe using either soy milk or 2% milk for my oatmeal. I'm also accepting that skipping my breakfast is a surefire way of making sure I act out TODAY. So, wish me luck, people. *sigh*
Monday, May 25, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
And the first battle begins...
So, it was bound to happen. :) Woke up and had an admittedly skimpy meal of corn on cob and a boiled egg. Took my duloxetine and headed for the workplace. Got anxious over the persistent nausea and wooziness brought about by the duloxetine and ate what was supposed to be my lunch (turkey sandwich with a boiled egg and apple). Enter: Trigger & Panic. In a trance, headed to the shop to get extra 'binge' material (baked Lays chips (~ 260 cals) and peanuts (~ 560 cals) ). This way, I leave myself no choice, but to purge.
Sad, pathetic and most of all true. I realize that I've sorta expected this drug to numb out my instincts to purge, but I should know by now that my urge to act out sometimes trumps my urge to take care of myself. Thusly, I'm starting the hunt for a therapist. I feel badly about acting out so early in the day, but hopefully, I'll end the day on a good note. Wish me luck.
Sad, pathetic and most of all true. I realize that I've sorta expected this drug to numb out my instincts to purge, but I should know by now that my urge to act out sometimes trumps my urge to take care of myself. Thusly, I'm starting the hunt for a therapist. I feel badly about acting out so early in the day, but hopefully, I'll end the day on a good note. Wish me luck.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
So it is
Well, after months of being away from the Fellow Fighters blogosphere, it appears everyone's blog is protected or deleted. Ah well, life goes on and I shall rebuild. Today is the 2nd day on my new drug (duloxetine aka Cymb9lt9 ... a not very clever attempt to disguise the common name) and nausea is the biggest side effect for me. I have to grit my teeth to combat the waves of nausea that wash over me. I'm also a little more emotional and that might be because my period is about to make a grand entrance and being a little low on energy. Granted, I haven't eaten much yet, but I ate breakfast (1/2 cup of yogurt with 1/4 of peanuts) before taking my 30mg pill.
I'm a little concerned that this drug makes me a little slow to react, but I'm not sure if I should pulll the plug on it yet. Yesterday was an excellent day in terms of my disordered behaviours. Even though I acted out after lunch yesterday, I got home and took a short nap b/c I was supremely drowsy from the drug. Then, the nausea came back in full force and after eating a bowl of oatmeal, the nausea went away. My husband was away from the house and even though I could have torn up the pantry, I didn't even feel like it. I felt like I was out of my body and mostly felt languorous. However, I'd rather be too tired to tear up the pantry than be fighting with myself about acting out or not.
I realize that I shouldn't rely on the drug to do too much of the heavy lifting because if (when?) the day comes that I fight through my tiredness to act out, I might need more of the meds and thus, develop tolerance. I don't know if that makes any sense, but in any case, I'm very cautious.
I've starting biking again and yesterday being the first day on my new meds, I decided to stay at home. Today, I'm probably going out for a ride again and unlike the last times where I would hit the hills hard for a total of ~ 12 - 15 miles daily, I'll just take things easy and do about ~ 3 - 5 miles.
The getting fit" thing is also because M & I are travelling and possibly doing some hiking, etc. He fears that I'll start cramping after 1 mile because I've been sedentary for 8+ months (seriously). That sounds awful on paper, but I didn't think it was so bad because my job's a bit physical. But obviously, a healthy lifestyle needs some sort of physical activity that is initiated by the person.
I'm a little concerned that this drug makes me a little slow to react, but I'm not sure if I should pulll the plug on it yet. Yesterday was an excellent day in terms of my disordered behaviours. Even though I acted out after lunch yesterday, I got home and took a short nap b/c I was supremely drowsy from the drug. Then, the nausea came back in full force and after eating a bowl of oatmeal, the nausea went away. My husband was away from the house and even though I could have torn up the pantry, I didn't even feel like it. I felt like I was out of my body and mostly felt languorous. However, I'd rather be too tired to tear up the pantry than be fighting with myself about acting out or not.
I realize that I shouldn't rely on the drug to do too much of the heavy lifting because if (when?) the day comes that I fight through my tiredness to act out, I might need more of the meds and thus, develop tolerance. I don't know if that makes any sense, but in any case, I'm very cautious.
I've starting biking again and yesterday being the first day on my new meds, I decided to stay at home. Today, I'm probably going out for a ride again and unlike the last times where I would hit the hills hard for a total of ~ 12 - 15 miles daily, I'll just take things easy and do about ~ 3 - 5 miles.
The getting fit" thing is also because M & I are travelling and possibly doing some hiking, etc. He fears that I'll start cramping after 1 mile because I've been sedentary for 8+ months (seriously). That sounds awful on paper, but I didn't think it was so bad because my job's a bit physical. But obviously, a healthy lifestyle needs some sort of physical activity that is initiated by the person.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Back with a whimper
It's been over 8 mths since my last post. I quit my therapist although I owe her money for not making our appointment. I dumped my psychiatrist because I wasn't feeling the love. Oh, and I also quit taking my antidepressant, Prozac. In short, I went into fullblown ED experience mode. For awhile, I 'enjoyed' it because I went down to my favorite weight area on my 5ft 1.5in frame. Part of my rebellion was because I noticed that through the years, getting a surge of I-wanna-recovery energy preceded me being at a low weight so I just said "Fuck it" and experienced being at my low weight. The funny thing with that is that I've been hovering around 105 - 110lbs, but with an athletic build so I appear to be under 100lbs.
However, everything "good" must come to an end (Good for the ED anyway). After some health scares (I'm still healthy as a horse) and some nasty fights with my husband brought upon by my ED, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. Not sure if I'm feeling our vibes because my intake appointment with him didn't feel very indepth/personal. However, I like the fact that he is technical and didn't just put me back on Prozac. Today is the first day of my new antidepressant (Duloxetine) and boy, this is going to be an interesting experience judging from my first day.
I took the first pill (30mg) on an empty stomach this morning (a first no-no) and after lunch, I purged my meal. Shortly afterward, I felt seriously nauseated and this feeling is still present. However, as tempted as I am to act out today (with my husband not at home), I don't feel that burning desire to do it. I'm not necessarily too "weak" to do it because I've acted out with a raging fever and a severe headache before. It's probably a combination of feeling nauseous, my menstrual period around the corner and just not feeling particularly hungry due to the drug. I'm astounded that it has this effect on the first day and I'm actually optimistic that medicine might just been the push I need to kick this habit.
For starters and a demonstration of my good "intent" with this stab at recovery, I've resumed:
1) writing in this blog:- Writing is therapeutic for me and I tend to not write when things are going sour. :) Busted! So, I definitely appreciate ladies like Feisty Frida who dropped comments checking in on me, Tash Mia, and others on the ED Fighting/Recovery journey.
2) engaging in physical activity:- I figured I was 'controlling' my weight with my behaviours and didn't 'need' to workout. Now, I'm realizing that a healthy lifestyle needs some sort of physical exercise. Monday was the first day in over 7 months that I've done some exercise unrelated to work. My husband is thrilled over these developments because we were pretty much living like roommates who had nothing in common because all I wanted to do was stay in the house and surf on the internet. He loves the outdoors and I do as well. ED's just been in the way.
3) taking my medicine regularly:- This is a biggie for me because I hate taking pills. However, I realize that I need to give myself a fighting chance if I want to live past 30. I've been pretty much acting out 3x daily for months now and I can tell that my body is gearing itself up for some major rebellion against me. So, since mornings are the 'safest' times for me, I'll pledge to take my pills in the morning with a meal & if I don't have a meal, I'll have a juice or hot chocolate. Knowing myself, the latter will occur so I'll just have to make up for it later in the day.
4) start looking for a therapist:- I left my last therapist because I got scared. She was getting deeper into the core of what was going on with me and I couldn't handle it.
5) getting involved in my community:- I've started volunteering again and this time, I'm going for something that requires me to be committed for a year. I'm not sure what I want to do yet so volunteering will help ease that gap in my heart that just wants to do something, but isn't sure what. :)
So, phew, that was a mouthful.
However, everything "good" must come to an end (Good for the ED anyway). After some health scares (I'm still healthy as a horse) and some nasty fights with my husband brought upon by my ED, I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. Not sure if I'm feeling our vibes because my intake appointment with him didn't feel very indepth/personal. However, I like the fact that he is technical and didn't just put me back on Prozac. Today is the first day of my new antidepressant (Duloxetine) and boy, this is going to be an interesting experience judging from my first day.
I took the first pill (30mg) on an empty stomach this morning (a first no-no) and after lunch, I purged my meal. Shortly afterward, I felt seriously nauseated and this feeling is still present. However, as tempted as I am to act out today (with my husband not at home), I don't feel that burning desire to do it. I'm not necessarily too "weak" to do it because I've acted out with a raging fever and a severe headache before. It's probably a combination of feeling nauseous, my menstrual period around the corner and just not feeling particularly hungry due to the drug. I'm astounded that it has this effect on the first day and I'm actually optimistic that medicine might just been the push I need to kick this habit.
For starters and a demonstration of my good "intent" with this stab at recovery, I've resumed:
1) writing in this blog:- Writing is therapeutic for me and I tend to not write when things are going sour. :) Busted! So, I definitely appreciate ladies like Feisty Frida who dropped comments checking in on me, Tash Mia, and others on the ED Fighting/Recovery journey.
2) engaging in physical activity:- I figured I was 'controlling' my weight with my behaviours and didn't 'need' to workout. Now, I'm realizing that a healthy lifestyle needs some sort of physical exercise. Monday was the first day in over 7 months that I've done some exercise unrelated to work. My husband is thrilled over these developments because we were pretty much living like roommates who had nothing in common because all I wanted to do was stay in the house and surf on the internet. He loves the outdoors and I do as well. ED's just been in the way.
3) taking my medicine regularly:- This is a biggie for me because I hate taking pills. However, I realize that I need to give myself a fighting chance if I want to live past 30. I've been pretty much acting out 3x daily for months now and I can tell that my body is gearing itself up for some major rebellion against me. So, since mornings are the 'safest' times for me, I'll pledge to take my pills in the morning with a meal & if I don't have a meal, I'll have a juice or hot chocolate. Knowing myself, the latter will occur so I'll just have to make up for it later in the day.
4) start looking for a therapist:- I left my last therapist because I got scared. She was getting deeper into the core of what was going on with me and I couldn't handle it.
5) getting involved in my community:- I've started volunteering again and this time, I'm going for something that requires me to be committed for a year. I'm not sure what I want to do yet so volunteering will help ease that gap in my heart that just wants to do something, but isn't sure what. :)
So, phew, that was a mouthful.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
a little therapy
I'm all alone. I miss my hubby who's out on a little trip. I'm doing well all by myself and although I've under-eaten a bit today, I'm doing really well i.e not thinking about food. I've got another obsession occupying my mind currently. I have been indulging in a little shopping therapy. M's gonna be maaadd. :) I feel so bad, but yet so good. :) I already paid for my shopping transgressions by taking some money out of my savings. Boo. Back to square one. Hello to returning-unopened-merchandise-to-get-money.lol.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
the climax :)
Aarrghh. M's gone and I'm missing him already. Calm down, J. It's just for a few days. M and I had it out 2 days ago. I was in denial about the severity of my symptoms and the obvious ill health I was suffering as a result. I truly have body dysmorphia. anyway, I have since called my doc and therapist to set up appointments. Let's get this ball rolling. It's hard, but I can do it. I wish you all the best. Stay tuned because I've got a means of continually spouting my mouth off! Thanks to Lady Frank and Tash for reaching out and to those who stand in solidarity with me. I truly thank you.
Monday, August 4, 2008
rather emotional, possibly depressed
Hi folks,
I think I am experiencing a resurgence in the phenomenon called depression. As part of its baggage, my bulimia symptoms have flared up again. I can't get the insidious voice that keeps calling me a failure out of my head. I can't see past the shoulds that should have no place in my life or my future. Once again, facebook was the catalyst for this. I should know better. I saw pics of an ex and his fiancee looking so happy and on vacation. I love M, but right now we are too broke to do anything really. I finally indulged in a little frivolity and I already have a huge case of buyer's remorse. It's as if there are two Janes. The sane Jane is outside of her body and watching evil Jane destroy her flesh out of anger. I've lost about 3-4 lbs and I know if I keep this trend up, I'll be back to the 90s. Part of me is thrilled, but it's for all the wrong reasons. If I lose weight, I will not be able to do my job which is rather physical. I've already drawn the attention of my current supervisor who jokingly told me to put some meat on my bones. M's noticing and I'm just a downer overall because restricting and weight loss just makes the depression worse and makes me miserable. I don't like feeling as if I could nap for days because of low blood sugar. How do I combat feelings of being a loser and keep from resorting to starving myself down in order to feel high/good? I'm going to have to call my shrink and therapist to process this. I have a great opportunity in front of me and I don't want to mess this up because this job is one I could possibly hang on to for years! I don't attention for the wrong reasons. I just want to make friends and not be so damn tongue-tied when passing through the lunch room. My inability to reach out or make friends is a big thing for me because right now, I have no friends in my little town. I started volunteering a couple of weeks ago, but I still haven't made an effort to get closer to the other girls I volunteer with. I'm scared they'll think I'm pushy and/or weird. I'm scared they will reject me and not want to hang out. What is the worst that could happen? Why can't I just put myself out there?
I'm really reticent, but warm up once you get to know me. I'm thinking of putting a craigslist ad or something just so I can meet someone in this little town of mine. Will you be my friend? I'm serious. Shoot me an e-mail at weirdoleme a.t. gmail d.o.t. com and I'll be replying you asap. We can be pen friends or heck, if you live in my state, we could meet up! lol. I feel much better posting this. Oddly enough or not. I don't feel too ashamed to say it so there. :) have a great day, people.
Love,
Jane
I think I am experiencing a resurgence in the phenomenon called depression. As part of its baggage, my bulimia symptoms have flared up again. I can't get the insidious voice that keeps calling me a failure out of my head. I can't see past the shoulds that should have no place in my life or my future. Once again, facebook was the catalyst for this. I should know better. I saw pics of an ex and his fiancee looking so happy and on vacation. I love M, but right now we are too broke to do anything really. I finally indulged in a little frivolity and I already have a huge case of buyer's remorse. It's as if there are two Janes. The sane Jane is outside of her body and watching evil Jane destroy her flesh out of anger. I've lost about 3-4 lbs and I know if I keep this trend up, I'll be back to the 90s. Part of me is thrilled, but it's for all the wrong reasons. If I lose weight, I will not be able to do my job which is rather physical. I've already drawn the attention of my current supervisor who jokingly told me to put some meat on my bones. M's noticing and I'm just a downer overall because restricting and weight loss just makes the depression worse and makes me miserable. I don't like feeling as if I could nap for days because of low blood sugar. How do I combat feelings of being a loser and keep from resorting to starving myself down in order to feel high/good? I'm going to have to call my shrink and therapist to process this. I have a great opportunity in front of me and I don't want to mess this up because this job is one I could possibly hang on to for years! I don't attention for the wrong reasons. I just want to make friends and not be so damn tongue-tied when passing through the lunch room. My inability to reach out or make friends is a big thing for me because right now, I have no friends in my little town. I started volunteering a couple of weeks ago, but I still haven't made an effort to get closer to the other girls I volunteer with. I'm scared they'll think I'm pushy and/or weird. I'm scared they will reject me and not want to hang out. What is the worst that could happen? Why can't I just put myself out there?
I'm really reticent, but warm up once you get to know me. I'm thinking of putting a craigslist ad or something just so I can meet someone in this little town of mine. Will you be my friend? I'm serious. Shoot me an e-mail at weirdoleme a.t. gmail d.o.t. com and I'll be replying you asap. We can be pen friends or heck, if you live in my state, we could meet up! lol. I feel much better posting this. Oddly enough or not. I don't feel too ashamed to say it so there. :) have a great day, people.
Love,
Jane
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